Gwyneth Paltrow has slowly but surely been emerging from her carbless hiding these days, and I think she might finally have returned to us for good. Fingers crossed, everybody. And what better way to welcome Gwyneth back into our lives than by reading this quote from her about her boobs? She spoke to Tatler magazine about what, if anything, she would change about her appearance.
“If I could change one thing? Nothing. Not because I think I’m beautiful, but I think I look the way I do for a reason. I wouldn’t mind bigger boobs though.”
You might be a bit confused by this quote, since it might seem like Gwyneth is contradicting herself. But as someone who recently had a Gwyneth Paltrow translator chip inserted into her brain, I think I might be able to interpret. See, most of Gwyneth’s features are there for a reason, and she accepts them that way, but when God or Zeus or the Great Kale Deity in the Sky made Gwyneth’s boobs, they were just like, “There’s really no purpose behind this. I just threw them on there like that without really thinking. Hope she doesn’t mind.”
I am very thankful to Gwyneth for explaining this, because I’ve been struggling for months with what to get her for Christmas. I already got her a pack of weekly cigarettes to throw in her stocking, but I was having trouble with the bigger gift. I mean, I can’t get her food, clearly. And I can’t get her underwear, because then how would she show side butt? Now all I have to do is order a pair of boobs online. Do you happen to know if she’s registered anywhere? I’ll do some comparison shopping. Perhaps a gift card would be sufficient so she can pick the perfect pair herself. If all else fails, I guess I could just swap mine for hers. I have a few shirts that are a little tight across that area, and I don’t really feel like buying new ones.
I’ll leave you with a follow-up Gwyneth quote in which she explains even further why she’s totally okay with her features, except for the ones she’s not okay with.
“I tend to see only things I don’t like. My eyes are quite small. And I’m paranoid my nose is growing.”
There you have it, folks. If they ever make a reverse-gender live action Pinocchio remake, we know who’ll get the role.