• Mon, Sep 9 - 8:24 am ET

Beyonce Gave U. Michigan A Big Shout Out, And In Exchange They Just Had To Give Her Their Souls

Beyonce Michigan Shout Out 2013

While you spent this weekend trying to simultaneously ignore New York Fashion Week Instagram photos and “Football is Back!” Facebook statuses, Beyonce recorded a special video message for the University of Michigan apologizing for not being at their first big game of the season. Which obviously begs the question, does she ever go to their games? Or is this just a message she films for several groups at once to give her brand a personal touch.

“Helllloooo DeVry University graduates, I’m sorry I cannot be there tonight…”

“To Lacey, Sarah and Jessica K who are in 7th grade at Jones Middle School, my sincerest apologies for not being able to make the slumber party tonight…”

“Well a big howdy to the Southwestern Surrogacy Association of Suburban Phoenix, I’m incredibly sorry that I can’t be with you tonight…”

Or maybe she’s secretly a Wolverines fan. A world famous pop star who wishes she could trade her fame in for one day of tailgating in blue and yellow. (Don’t even think about making that movie, I just copyrighted the idea and signed exiled Destiny’s Child singer Michelle Williams to play the role.) Can’t you just see her doing a beer bong from the second story of a frat house now? Pulling it off fabulously and flawlessly, not ever choking on the beer or emerging from the chugfest soaked in Natty Lite? I can.

Either way, I’m worried about the price the University of Michigan had to pay to get that video message made. Sure their marching band did a mash-up of a bunch of her songs during the half-time show, but that probably doesn’t even begin to cover their debt. Look, all I’m saying is that if a bunch of first-born children go missing over the next few years, we know why. Beyonce, she’s the Rumpelstiltskin of 2013. Except she can turn a lot more than straw into gold.

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  • Olivia Wilson

    Beyonce will be super sorry about missing that slumber party in school today when Lacey, Sarah, and Jessica have formed a club called LSJ and have made up a cool handshake. Her loss.