• Fri, Sep 6 - 11:10 am ET

Victoria Beckham’s Bike Was Stolen; Thief Suspected Dead From Side-Eye

Victoria Beckham attending Glamour Women Of The Year Awards June 2013I might need to reevaluate the way I view the world, because it turns out that Victoria Beckham rides a bike from place to place while she’s visiting New York City for Fashion Week. I KNOW, GUYS. I’m as surprised as you are. I assumed that when she flung open her floor-to-ceiling windows in the morning, turtle doves just automatically dove under her feet, assuming she wanted them to carry her somewhere. Like a modern day Snow White. And not just any turtle doves. Like…super stylish ones. The ones they use to send messages around New York Fashion Week. (Yeah, that’s a thing. Don’t look it up.)

But I was totally wrong about that assumption, because apparently Victoria bikes around like a regular old normal. I can’t get over it. And not only that, this story gets even more non-famous-y because someone actually stole Victoria’s wonderbike. Which we know because she posted a photo to Instagram of the lone remaining tire still locked to its humble bike rack with the caption “So I won’t be riding home tonight then! x vb”

And guys, get this! It’s not even gold-plated or woven from old discarded strands of Heidi Klum children’s hair (widely known to be the strongest substance in the fashion world, and one that she collects in baggies for its restorative properties. That one actually is mostly true, so feel free to look it up.)

I mean obviously this really sucks for Victoria, but I almost feel worse for the bike thief. Have you ever seen her glare, back from when she was Posh Spice? It’s pretty powerful, guys. I’d give that dude (or lady, in fairness) about six hours before he or she falls dead just from scorn. And in the meantime, I’m sure I’ll be riding the A train home with Victoria tonight. Because this is Bizarro World and I’m the mayor.

(Images: WENN.com / Instagram)

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