Of all the many reasons I myself would like to date a celebrity and/or be one myself, ‘because I could get a song written about me’ is pretty near the top. It’s only slightly behind ‘being able to afford to rent out Six Flags for the day’ and ‘having a wax figure of myself at Madame Tussaud’s so I could pose as it and scare the poops out of tourists when they tried to take pictures with me’. I would also probably fill up a bathtub with money once or twice, and I would certainly poke Taylor Swift on Facebook whenever the mood struck me.
But my own nonsense fantasies aside, getting a song written about you by a fellow celebrity is one of the most awesome things that can happen to you. Not only does it preserve your memory forever in time like a musical mosquito in a melodic bulb of amber, but it also stirs up all sorts of rumors and suspicion, which are my bread and butter. But since I’m not yet high profile enough for anyone to care about my shower warblings, or any shower warblings that might be done about me in the various corners of Manhattan, I thought I’d let you help yourselves to some actual famous people writing about actual other famous people. Allegedly, at least. Here are 9 Songs You Didn’t Know Were About Celebrities:
1. ‘Much Better’ by the Jonas Brothers.
This song is allegedly about the queen of revenge songs herself, Taylor Swift, who as we all know wrote a song of her own about Mr. Joe Jonas after her broke up with her in a twenty-seven second phone call. I hate myself for knowing that.
2. ‘Shadow Days’ by John Mayer.
John has a lot of exes to choose from when writing a song, but this one is allegedly about Jennifer Aniston, whom he dated off-and-on for a couple years-ish. The song is supposedly intended as a farewell letter, and an apology for the way he treated her.
3. ’Circle the Drain’ by Katy Perry.
Did you know that before she was married to Russell Brand, Katy dated Travie McCoy? Well she did, and after they broke up, she wrote this song about his drug use.
4. ‘Miles Away’ by Madonna.
Madonna apparently wrote this song for her ex-husband Guy Ritchie. I’m not super familiar with her work, but with a title like that, I can’t imagine they had a great family life right before the divorce. Which came only a few months after she first performed this song.
5. ‘Candle in the Wind’ by Elton John.
Although Elton performed this at the funeral for Princess Diana, he originally wrote it for Marilyn Monroe.
6. ‘Bagpipes From Baghdad’ by Eminem.
If you weren’t aware that Eminem and Mariah Carey have had a complicated relationship since allegedly hooking up in the early 2000s and beefing ever since, listen to about thirty seconds of this song and it should clear everything right up.
7. ‘Cold Case Love’ by Rihanna.
This is pretty much the closest Rihanna has gotten to speaking publicly about Chris Brown‘s assault on her in 2009, when the two were dating.
8. ‘Everytime’ by Britney Spears.
This song is alleged to be about Justin Timberlake, with whom she’d broken up with by the time the song was released in 2004, after rumored infidelities on her part. For Justin’s opinion on those particular matters, check out ‘Cry Me A River’, which is supposedly about Britney.
9. ‘Hummingbird Heartbeat’ by Katy Perry.
Katy’s written a few songs about Russell, but this one was from when things were still good between them, so…y’know…#yolo, I guess.
This song was written about Mary Louise Parker, whom the band’s lead singer Adam Duritz dated from 1997 to 1998.