• Tue, Sep 3 2013

A Real Vacation Versus A Real Housewives Vacation, In GIFs

Vacation from hell GIF(via)

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from reality television, it’s that it almost, if not never, corresponds to actual reality. Particularly in the Real Housewives franchise, I watch these women fabricate drama out of nowhere, stress over the most insignificant of first world problems, get tipsy drunk in public, and get spirited around in giant SUVs while they do it. It’s a miracle of modern television.

But probably my favorite part of any season of Real Housewives is the mandatory vacation. It’s how you know the end of the season is in sight, when all the ladies gather together their monogrammed suitcases and their wispiest sun dresses and scoot off to some island somewhere to drunkenly squawk at each other around a pool. Like clockwork, I love it.

Laying out in the sun GIF

(via)

And since I just got back from a vacation myself, I figured I’d do the honors of pointing out some differences between a real life vacation and a Real Housewives vacation, just so we’re on the same page about how ridiculous this is. Might as well do something while I swill this bottle of Pinto Grigio, y’know? Illustrated with GIFs, obviously, because GIFs are the best.

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In real life, vacations typically have an end goal in mind, like visiting family, or museums, or touring the countryside. In Real Houswives world, the goal of a vacation is everyone staying in the same room until someone breaks a bottle over someone else’s head. Or whenever the producers are satisfied. Whichever comes first.

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Don’t bother drafting a playlist, because there ain’t no such thing as a road trip, babies. These ladies have never heard of trains or buses. It’s planes or nothing, okay?

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This is weird, but it seems like producers always forget to stock my house with alcohol. Like, I get there and all the cupboards are bare. It’s eerie.

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I have to go out and spend my very own pocket dollars on getting liquored up. The indignity!

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This is still what I look like taking shots, but ice caves aren’t really in my real life human budget.

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One of the few silver linings to going on a real life vacation instead of a Real Housewives vacation — there are no hordes of cameras waiting at your house to create video evidence of your indiscretions. I know you get me, right, LuAnn de Lesseps?

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This is actually about right.

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If you even hulk out so hard that you flip a table on your circle of friends, you will 100% not be invited on their subsequent girl’s trip. Unless you’re a Real Housewife.

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Nine times out of ten, no one will cry on your vacation.

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And if they do, every other attendee of said vacation won’t be on them like sharks smelling blood in the water.

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If you or your friends don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend in real life, feel free not to make one up like Kenya Moore did when she and the Real Housewives Of Atlanta went a-travelin’. Unless you want to make things really awkward.

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Unless you’re a teenager on Spring Break, I can’t imagine a situation where it would be necessary for you to attempt this pose. Again, unless you want to make things really awkward.

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I hope you’re not planning on staying too long, because you’re fitting the bill yourselves, dolls. You don’t know how many receipts I’ve sent to Bravo over the years, but they’ve never once picked up the tab for my little getaway.

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Be prepared for significantly fewer sponsored group activities. I can’t remember the last belly-dancing lesson I took while on a trip with friends…at age fifty.

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 You may still feel like this at the end, but there will be no producer with an earpiece and a clipboard to spirit you onto a plane if your fuse runs out before the trip does.

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  • Olivia Wilson

    Maybe you just get to your vacation spot right after all of the Housewives have left and there isn’t time for the producers to stock your cupboards! I think I’ve cracked the code.