If this rumor about Selena Gomez dating Austin Mahone turns out to be true, I owe the Gossip Gods everything I have. So that’s 3 shirts from Forever 21′s Spring 2010 collection, 60 Beanie Babies with the tags on and expired hummus. So far this Instagram from the VMAs is the only solid proof we have that they’ve met. But it’s enough for me get giddy.
For those of you who don’t know the name Austin Mahone, pat yourself on the back. Good work! No one over the age of 14 should know that name. Or under the age of 14. Okay, I said it, no one should know Austin Mahone.
But unfortunately for us, he’s going to be known by everyone by this time next year. He’s being pegged as the next Justin Bieber. Mostly because HE IS JUSTIN BIEBER. From the all-leather performance outfits that make you say WTF to the shout out to his single mom at the VMAs to his trendy bowl cut, he’s Bieber. When I first saw him perform at the VMAs, I called Crushable’s Paternity Test Department to see if it was possible that the 19-year-old Bieber birthed this 17-year-old clone. They did their visual test (turning on the performance and looking) right away and confirmed it was definitely possible.
Look at this kid. JUST LOOK AT HIM! If you can’t picture him making fondue, then you need to get your eyes checked. (And when you do, let us know, we’re hiring in our Paternity Test Department as well as our Body Language Analysis Department.)
Sadly for Selena Gomez, this means she has a type. THE WORST TYPE. Either that or her publicity people are determined to destroy her via dating. Hollywood Life, who comes in at 0 on the trustworthiness scale, said that the pair spent the day together at a theme park all the way back in June. But Austin said they were just friends. Which I think is the step in Hollywood that’s in between going to third base with a girl and walking down the red carpet with her.
“We’re just two friends, who touch each other naked, and do other friendly things like take photos together at the VMAs and have sex and yeah, we’re friends!”
While I’d feel horrid for Selena Gomez if this rumor is true, I’d feel great for myself. Can you even imagine what a relationship with Bieber 2.0 will look like? I can. Full of abandoned animals and shirtless selfies and oh my I’m getting overheated just thinking about the blogging potential.