In medical news so horrifying that you’re going to head to the mall right now and boycott Yankee Candle, a source said that Kate Middleton’s baby weight melted right off. Yes, that’s right. They use the word melted in their interview with Us Weekly and attribute her rapid weight loss to that. Oh also yoga. (It’s always yoga with stars, isn’t it…”I just eat healthy, and yeah, I also do yoga, but that’s it. Oh my personal trainer? She does come by twice a day, I guess.)
“Kate’s still breastfeeding and the small weight she gained while pregnant has just melted off,” the source continued. “She’s not dieting. After giving birth, she did continue with her yoga.”
Sure we all noticed that Kate gave off a special glow, but I think we all assumed that it was due to her radiant hair. However after reading this quote from this source, I’m starting to think that rumors about her being sculpted from wax and fashioned into a candle in the mid ’00s specifically for Prince William might be true.
It definitely explains why she smells so much like fresh cotton in the summer and gingerbread around Christmas time. It also explains how she left the hospital the day after having a baby looking better than an angel at prom.
Please keep that in mind when you marvel at the photos of her “amazing” weight loss. She’s literally not human. So there’s no reason that any woman (who doesn’t have her resources) should feel pressured to live up to her “bet you didn’t know I gave birth to a human being a month ago” body. Human candles, however, be scared — this is the new standard.