You guys, it is mid-morning on a Wednesday and I am completely out of celebrity news. I mean sure, I could rustle something up, but I have too much respect for you, humble reader, to rehash Miley Cyrus twerking yet again. You’re…welcome, I guess?
And since journalistic integrity is a thing (or so I’ve heard), I wanted to be honest with you guys. There’s nothing going on out there. It’s a dead zone. If I had to guess, I’d say that every celebrity and their publicist is all holed up at Taylor Swift‘s house in Rhode Island right now, dressing up in high-waisted bathing suits and sipping virgin Tom Collinses. That’s the only option, because there really hasn’t been a peep out of anyone all day. Or all week, for that matter.
And before you call me a liar and a rogue, or even a rapscallion, please allow me to offer some proof to you. I’ve been collecting it all slow morning for your humble perusal, so please to enjoy…10 Signs That This Is A Deadly-Slow News Week.
- We’re still milking the VMAs. Hey, y’know, no hate or anything. Crushable’s doing it too. Because nothing. else. is happening.
- Our highest-viewed post today is one from a week ago about Blue Ivy dancing with Beyonce at rehearsals. CURRENT. TOPICAL.
- BuzzFeed’s top post is about Syria. You know it’s desperate when they’re running a story that can’t be absorbed in GIF form.
- Joey Fatone‘s separation is getting headlines. QUICKLY, NAME HIS WIFE. You can’t.
- I’m considering personally calling Ellen DeGeneres and ordering her back from her summer vacation. I want her to have fun, but enough is enough.
- I just watched a clip start-to-finish about Giuliana Rancic getting hypnosis for hoarding. And that’s a girl who only releases news when she’s absolutely positive there’s nothing more compelling out there.
- Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas‘ separation is being labeled as ‘shocking’ even though we’ve all been speculating on it for months.
- I’ve seen that YouPorn search map on approximately every site. Stop searching ‘creampie’, you’re ruining dessert treats for me.
- I am intimately aware of Lamar Odom‘s comings and goings from Kardashian HQ because that is the only thing TMZ is giving up-to-the-minute updates on today.
- I went down a Wikipedia rabbit hole after I felt compelled to look up Patrick Stewart‘s age when I found out he was engaged to a 35-year old. (He’s 73.) And then I had to see who was older, Patrick or the aforementioned Michael Douglas. I’d tell you what the conclusion was, but I don’t want to spoil the ending for you. It’s a slow day for everybody, y’know?
Be safe out there, friends.