Hold onto your seats, you guys, because the Pretty Little Liars summer finale just got real. And by real, I mean more far-fetched than ever. With the promise of “THE BIGGEST REVEAL YET,” I sat through 58 minutes of increasingly inconceivable drama just for the sake of the last two minutes, only to be grAvely disappointed (see what I did there? Maybe I’M A!?!)
When I hopped on the PLL bandwagon during my senior year of college, I binged on Season One with my roommate and couldn’t get enough of the creepy mystery of it all. Yes, we locked our bedroom doors every night that week. A could be anywhere, y’all. But fast-forward to last night’s finale, and it’s clear that the show is getting the Lost treatment with plot lines so absurd the only way to wrap it up is by invoking the supernatural. The girls are trapped in Purgatory and Ali‘s the Devil, right? At this point, I’d prefer for Ashton Kutcher to just take off the Little Red Riding Hood getup and admit they’ve been Punk’d. Ashton wins. Let’s move on with our lives.
If you’re a still entranced by A and the endless string of unanswered questions, my condolences. I, on the other hand, have taken mainly to hate-watching the Liars for the purposes of dissecting every detail that just doesn’t work. Thus, my record of 10 moments from the summer finAle that prove it’s as big of a train wreck as Miley‘s present life.
1. To top off last week’s Hoedown Throwdown (RIP Hannah Montana), a boy whose name I forget suddenly turned up to prove the innocence of Hanna‘s mama. And with a snap of his fingers and a twitch of his nose, Ashley Marin was free! Free at last! and shuffled out the door on a date with good ole’ Pastor Ted in the first minute of last night’s finale. So, Pretty Little Liars, what you’re saying is that we could’ve forgone this whole whodunnit saga from the get-go, but instead you dragged me through orange jumpsuits and muddy Manolos all season only to wrap it up in A MINUTE? Those are precious hours of my life that I’ll never get back. I hope you’re happy.
2. Speaking of precious hours, can we talk about how much free time A has on his/her/its hands? Sure, there have been some elaborate ruses in prior seasons, but TWO coffins? Delivered to the door. One of which contains an illusion worthy of Penn & Teller. Either A is a crafty Pinterest fiend with top-notch carpentry skills or A is rolling in some serious dough to bankroll this operation. Either way, get a life, A.
3. What a surprise! Mona‘s out of Radley. Again. The pint-sized terror is roaming the streets not long after it was revealed that she’s off her meds. And look! She’s plotting with Shana. How many times will we have to deal with this good-bad Mona dichotomy? PLL just cantstopwontstop recycling the same tired villains. Two more that we’ll see back in action? The once-upon-a-time lovebirds Wren and Melissa, apparently moving in together with the help of the aforementioned looney tune.
4. Here we go, with the supernatural. The Liars decide to return to Ravenswood (which has conveniently never existed prior to the past few episodes) where birds fall from the sky and someone Instagrammed the town in Brannan – always the least flattering filter. The fact that the Liars seem oblivious to the absurdity of this place is automatically a red flag, yet entirely unsurprising based on their track record.
5. The Liars proved that they should never, ever be responsible for another life, whether a child, a dog, hell, even a hermit crab. They got distracted for a few seconds by a shoddy magician and managed to lose a grown woman. At this rate, I’ve given up all hope. And Emily, c’mon girl, you couldn’t scream or throw an elbow? Facepalm.
6. For the third time, the Liars have managed to discover A’s Lair. Woo! But the more important fact, here, is that Ty Pennington totally snuck in to Extreme Home Makeover this joint, and somehow I missed that episode. I mean, the first lair was a skeevy, backwoods motel room. The second lair was nothing more than a mobile home. I’m supposed to believe that A went from a trailer park RV to a studio apartment complete with an armoire of tailored suits, professional canvas photos adorning the walls, and a tech system worth of the NSA? Not buying it.
7. Mrs. Grunwald. The suspicious sorority matron is seemingly everywhere in Ravenswood, watching the Liars with pupil-less eyes, no less. Get some colored contacts, lady, you’re freakin’ me out. I’m sure the eyes have something to do with her professed “soothsayer” abilities, which means we are now abandoning any semblance of reality. All aboad the crazy train.
8. Remember that little snippet, ages ago, when a hand burst forth from the ground? It all comes full circle people! It was just Ali, doin’ her thang, grasping for life from beneath the earth. And wouldn’t ya know it, the creepy sorority matron just happened to be out for an evening stroll to save her! I’m sorry, in what world, other than Zombieland, do those that are buried alive ever dig themselves back out? Right, they don’t.
9. Whoa, whoa now – a few seconds ago, Caleb was boarding a bus to Ravenswood in PLL. The next thing I know, the kid’s in a trailer for the groan-inducing Ravenswood spinoff. Bad, Caleb! Get back to your own show. What’s happening here? Is he going to be stuck in the Insta-town while the Liars return to Rosewood? Are we facing a PLL without Caleb? Nope. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. But seriously, who approved this show? I want to have a word with these writers.
10. So the BIGGEST REVEAL EVER was simply that #EzrA followed the ladies to Ravenswood and showed up in A’s lair. OMG EZRA’S A?! No, sorry, that just can’t be right. Allow me to remind the hysterical teeny-boppers of the world of that time we thought Ian was A, and then Garrett, and then Jenna, and then Mona, and then Toby…Exactly. Ezra could be on the A Team, sure, but his motives could be that of Toby’s. I highly doubt he is the mastermind behind this whole hot mess. Ezra is not A, and I will certainly not be convinced by a hashtag.