Ed Sheeran, oblivious as he is, can’t understand why people keep calling him a sex symbol. In his mind, every woman who screams bloody murder whenever he’s within ten yards of her actually wants to swaddle him like a baby, not have sex. Oh Ed. Poor without-a-clue Ed. In an interview with People Magazine, he admitted that he is totally not on the same page as the rest of the world when it comes to his status as a sex symbol. Like, several pages behind. He truthfully hasn’t even gotten through the table of contents yet, which is evidenced by the fact that he says things like this:
“I find the whole concept of women screaming at me so odd. It’s very flattering, but I don’t think I will ever consider myself to be a sex symbol. If you speak to most women, they want to take me home and mother me rather than take me to bed. I just have that impression.”
Listen, I don’t need to worry myself with trying to devise a time-efficient way to speak to most women because all I need to do is head over to Tumblr dot com and search Ginger Jesus. Or to the Twitter machine, or the Google doohickey. Literally choose any place and you will be met with swarms of women who regularly fantasize about Ed. And I mean the sexual kind; the kind that would make even the most desensitized fan fiction writer’s cheeks rosy.
With all of this Ed lovin’ happening all over the internet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that he hasn’t yet stumbled upon even a little bit of it. And it isn’t even limited to online love! He does a gazillion shows all over the world, where thousands of people subject themselves to hours of other people’s sweat and screams for the chance to stare at him. Well, it’s partly because he has a gorgeous voice and really goo music, but you know what the other part is for. It’s for the stirrings, that’s what.
And, while I have no qualms with modesty, I do have maybe a qualm or two with the fact Ed probably genuinely believes that there are less women who want to bed him than there are those who want to tuck him into bed. I don’t want to make up statistics here (it was my New Years Resolution to quit doing that), but the group of women who want to mother him is probably limited to a handful. Maybe even just one: his actual mother.
So, would someone please call a technician to fix his obviously broken internet? He needs to know the truth about his ability to melt so very many womens’ hearts. It’s one of the most awesome super powers that someone could possess, just ask One Direction.