The only sadder than the length of the incredibly hyped *NSYNC reunion at the 2013 VMAs is Chris Kirkpatrick. Dude’s walking around town with a rain cloud over his head and nothing but his memories of the ’90s to protect him. When speaking to a radio station about the reunion yesterday, he gave everyone listening a huge case of the SADS with his reflections. (Fun fact: emergency room doctors say that a case of the SADS is the 2nd most popular post-VMAs diagnosis. Number one is Straight-Up-Miley-Cyrus-induced-trauma.)
Look at this:
When asked by the host if a tour will be happening, the 41-year-old was emphatic about it. ‘No this was for Justin to get the Video Vanguard Award,’ Chris said.
‘It was funny because all of us getting back together we remembered what we love about each other and what we hate about each other.
‘Honestly when he talked to us I thought we were just coming out with mic stands and singing, and when I came home from rehearsals my girl’s like ‘Why are you drenched?’ ‘I’m like I’m too old for this.’
I’m not a therapist, but I do have an online degree in reading between the lines. So let’s discuss how this whole non-reunion happened and why it’s making Chris say so many sad things to a stranger with a radio show.
Four phones ring. One is an iPhone (Lance), one is a Samsung (JC), one is a Blackberry with a broken screen (Joey) and one is a banana (Chris).
Justin: Hey guys, it’s me Justin. Timberlake. We worked together in the ’90s. I took Britney Spears’ v-card. Not sure what you’ve been up to lately *cough* nothing *cough*, but just wanted to talk to you about something.
Lance, Joey, Chris, JC: HI JUSTIN! It’s great to hear from -
Justin: I’m currently working on a tribute to myself and MTV thought it would be nice if you all sang with -
Lance: A reunion! SOUNDS GREAT! Oh we have so many ideas and -
Justin: Not a reunion shitheads, a Justin Timberlake tribute. Y’all have 15 seconds on stage. Dress nicely. Lose 25 pounds each. And don’t you dare call this a reunion again.
Chris: Oh, okay, sure Justin, whatever you want Justin.
JC: Justin? Are you there?
Joey: Did he hang up?
Chris: I forgot how much I hated that noodle-haired idiot.
And that 5-way phone conversation is how we got to where we are now. Reading about Chris Kirkpatrick telling us that he’s nowhere near physically fit enough for a real reunion tour — not that would ever happen, because Justin’s too busy planning 7-minute tributes to himself.