Do you ever wonder what your friends and family would say about you if they found out you secretly love Here Comes Honey Boo Boo way more than The Newsroom? Have you ever wanted to be prematurely judged and analyzed by a completely underqualified pop culture junkie? Well, you’ve come to the right place! After hours of thorough research and snark, here is what I believe your favorite TV network says about who you are as a human being.
Congratulations! You are probably over the age of 45 and part of the incredibly shrinking demographic of people who actually still watch and enjoy sitcoms. Judgement is spared upon those who watch these networks for their late-night programming and/or local news only.
You are probably in your mid-twenties, don’t exactly take your “real job” seriously, and religiously watch this channel for the Friends reruns only. Sometimes you fall asleep to Conan, because he’s on an hour and a half earlier than Jimmy Fallon. Hey, you do “work” in the morning, and even if your job totally sucks you still have to wake up for it.
I honestly have no idea what’s on this channel. Rizzoli & Isles? Something with Kyra Sedgwick? Meh. I will only stop on this channel if it’s a rainy Sunday and You’ve Got Mail is on.
This is the channel for high school and college-aged girls to watch inbetween extracurricular activities and afternoon classes. If you’re home sick from school, there’s nothing better than a Lifetime movie with Tori Spelling or Kellie Martin!
You have no shame–heck you have no shame about having no shame! I feel you on this, guys. I can’t get enough of Honey Boo Boo, testicular tumors that weigh more than my car, polygamy, Christian family cults, or fake Amish people either. It’s addicting and riveting–this channel exposes you to the best of the outside world, takes you out of your comfort zone, and generally makes you feel pretty good about the track your life is on.
Two words: Intervention and Hoarders. If these two shows don’t make you feel better about the status of your life, then I guess you’re shit out of luck that these shows probably won’t be on much longer. Enjoying these two programs means you like to experience the full range of human emotion–from rage to legit sympathy–in one riveting hour of television.
You are probably smart, funny, and a TV snob. You can no longer enjoy cable television or network sitcoms because you have experienced the Renaissance of television shows and you just can’t go back. You compare your friends to Game of Thrones characters and throw Homeland references into regular conversation. You. Are. Awesome.
You are probably thirteen and under the impression that soft-core porn is the best thing ever. If you’re older than this and watching Cinemax, I’m pretty sure you might be a recluse in your parents’ basement.
You are either my grandma Betty, or a similar personality type to the regular Lifetime watcher. I admit, this is a great channel to have on in the background when you’re doing other things. It is not a great channel to watch home alone at night when your dog is sleeping and your house makes a lot of “settling” noises.
You live for Super Soul Sundays and enlightening interviews with damaged celebrities. You truly believe in “Aha!” moments and are totally in tune with your heart, mind, body, and soul. (See also: Rehab for Oprah Cult Victims.)
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