The 2013 MTV VMAs are this weekend and we couldn’t be more excited for all the trainwrecks to to come. And yes, those trainwrecks include the entire Crushable staff who will be playing this drinking game on Sunday night and will also be working a full day on Monday. Because in this day and age, you can’t watch an awards show without acknowledging the ridiculousness of rich, famous people handing fellow rich, famous people awards. Especially when it’s an MTV awards show and the rich and famous people also happen to be unhinged and insane. Unlike similarly star-studded award shows like The Oscars and The Grammys, these celebrities are looking for a scandal — or at the very least, a headline. The only rule on this red carpet? Leave the decorum at home.
So with that in mind, we’ve prepared a completely unsafe and unrecommended drinking game for you to play while you watch. While we won’t pay for your hospital bills, we’ll definitely post them on Facebook if you send them our way.
1. Take a shot when a celebrity announces a pregnancy by revealing a pregnant belly. Beyonce pulled this magnificent stunt during the 2011 VMAs while peforming on stage and Amber Rose pulled it just a year later on the red carpet….to a little bit less fanfare. This move — now officially known in some circles as “the Blue Ivy method” is a surefire way to guarantee that you’ll get on any blogs that make “most shocking moments of the 2013 VMAs” list.
2. Chug a beer when a presenter makes a joke that falls flat. There’s nothing more enjoyable than seeing a presenter read a scripted joke that gets no laughs. I’m sorry, I mean more uncomfortable.
3. Take a swig of wine when Taylor Swift gets caught on camera mouthing the words to a song and dancing alone. All my bets are on “Blurred Lines” when Robin Thicke performs it. But perhaps she’ll do something surprising and sing along to Drake’s “Started from the Bottom.”
4. Go to the sketchy liquor store and buy an original Four Loco when Miley Cyrus grabs her crotch — or hell, it’s the VMAs — just straight up masturbates. Now that she’s officially gone through puberty, anything can happen. Because she’s grown up y’all!
5. Get some boring tap water when Lady Gaga does something boring like wearing a recycled corpse down the red carpet. Ugh, could she be more predictable? Long gone are the days of the meat dress and the embryonic egg. No matter what she wears, or doesn’t wear, she’s lost her shock factor.
6. Do a keg stand when Kanye West reminds us that he’s Jesus Christ’s more business-savvy cousin. There’s no way he’ll get through a full performance without reminding us how lucky we are to have him in our presence. Or by somehow cursing Kris Jenner for making him come on her wretched talk show.
7. Slap the Franzia bag when Miguel wins an award and decides the best way to get to the stage is via flame-propelled motorcycle. After almost killing someone at the 2013 Billboard Music Awards, he’s set the bar pretty, pretty high for being on stage at award shows. With one-and-a-half nominations this year, odds are looking good for him getting to the stage at least once.
8. Play a quick game of beer pong when Fall Out Boy gets mentioned as a 2013 nominee and your friend turns to you and says, “holy shit, did we accidentally take a time machine to 2005?” Or am I the only one who makes time machine jokes on the reg? Either way, really? They’re somehow nominated for best rock video. And that’s a strong somehow.
9. Do a keg stand when a celebrity manages to be completely covered, yet have exposed boobs. Miley Cyrus pulled this nifty trick off last year and we’re counting on Christina Aguilera to pull it off this year when she shows up. She managed to do it almost every week on The Voice, so I doubt this will be too much of a challenge for her.
10. Put a straw in a handle when Nicki Minaj shows up looking like she got dressed by Mad Libs. Here’s her styling process: pick ten nouns out of a hat. Wear all them. Even if they’re things that are not traditionally worn as clothes. Even if they’re things that are mostly kept locked up due to being hazardous, dangerous and preposterous.
11. Make a margarita when the Divergent trailer premieres and you feel out of the loop because WHAT IS THIS? Sorry guys, you’re like real old. There’s already a new Hunger Games and there are already a million tiny little fans who are obsessed with it. Give up now. You’ll never be hip again.
12. Insert a vodka tampon when two celebrities kiss for the sake of a kissing scandal. Because someone’s already trying to relive the infamous Madonna-Xtina-Britney menage a trois. Katy Perry got a few people buzzing last year when she pecked One Direction’s Niall Horan on the lips. But I have a feeling that someone could easily outdo her this year. What about Miley Cyrus and all the topless dancers from the “Blurred Lines” music video?