I know I’m not the only one who witnessed the internet explode last night when the news broke that Ben Affleck would be playing Batman in an unnamed 2015 film that sounds like a Man of Steel sequel-ish. But let’s back up for a second and remember what life was like before Zack Snyder ruined everything.
Like everyone one else in America with hopes and dreams and goals, I spent last night calmly cruising the Internet. Seeing what was out there, what was new, what the trolls were trolling on a nice, humid summer night. And just as I was hitting my groove, stalking a comment section of a blog I would prefer not to name, the shit hit the fan. Then fell off, then hit it again.
BEN AFFLECK IS PLAYING BATMAN! EVERYONE KILL YOURSELVES. THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON ANYMORE.
Guys, I’ve seen internet anger before and I’ve seen internet outrage, but I’ve never seen tweets like this before. Like rapid fire, they filled my feed and I struggled to keep up. To understand why exactly this was the worst thing we’ve ever seen in the history of humans being able to see.
I think we all know who the villain in the next Batman film is. Whoever cast Ben Affleck.
— Edward Robert Harris (@berty_doherty) August 23, 2013
STAGES OF GRIEF, 2013: — Denial — Anger — Bargaining — Think About Ben Affleck as Batman — Depression — Acceptance
— Ryan Drake (@Rayke) August 23, 2013
Ben Affleck as the new Batman???? Isn’t this one of the first signs of the apocalypse???
— Mark Brunet (@Markster68) August 23, 2013
!!!! RT @SpikeReed I hate waking up in a world that has Ben Affleck playing Batman
— Sarai ʚϊɞ Mosa-Def (@drzmorenachula) August 23, 2013
— Luke McMillan (@luke7690) August 23, 2013
— George!!!!!!!!! (@GeorgeDaMan1) August 23, 2013
Look, I get it. Ben Affleck’s not exactly superhero material and he’s not exactly what we all picture as Batman. Like everyone else who had a post-Pearl-Harbor crush on him, I saw him in Daredevil and I regretted seeing him in Daredevil. But can we all take a deep breath here and admit that we’re maybe, sorta overreacting a bit. No one even liked Man of Steel when it premiered this summer. People found it too long and too boring and too blahhh. So can’t we write off this particular superhero franchise as being awful and wait, um, let’s see, probably two years, for them to remake the movie with a different director and cast.
This would be like if you killed yourself when Tobey Maguire got cast as Spider-Man in the 2002 movie and then had to watch Andrew Garfield take over the role a mere 10 years later. “Man,” you would say to the angel sitting next to you, “if only I hadn’t overreacted to that news, I’d be able to see a different dude play Spider-Man…in 3D.” And the angel would say, “yeah, I know the feeling, I killed myself when Jennifer Lawrence looked too healthy to play a malnourished teenager in The Hunger Games. Man do I regret that!”
So before you spew off your rant today, keep in mind that this is not the end of the world. Not even close. It ain’t over until Ben Affleck insults his wife while simultaneously sulking about not being nominated for enough awards. Or is it until the fat lady sings. I can never keep track.