What an odd world we live in, y’know friends? It’s a world in which celebrities outnumber us three to one (a lie), we frequently find real gold nuggets in our hamburgers (a bigger lie), and Farrah Abraham completely deserves to be famous and take all of our money away from us (the biggest lie of them all).
But as weird as those fables I just told were (that’s the artisanal version of lies), they’re still not weirder than some of the actual true things that happen on the interwebs from time to time. Really odd stuff. Like…unbelievable, Mad Libs-style stuff. I could keep talking about it, I guess, or I could just get to the goddamn goods.
So here they are, buddies — 12 Celebrity News Items So Weird I Thought They Were Fake. Tread carefully, there’s truth in them thar hills.
1. Harry Styles’ Butterfly Tattoo
Have. You. Seen. This. Tattoo. It’s so absurd. I remember specifically the day I first heard about it, because Jenni and I heatedly told everyone in the office who would listen that it absolutely wasn’t real. “Look how dirty he is!” we squawked, “He looks like a Lost Boy! No way is that a real tattoo! He’s trolling us.” But he wasn’t. That is real ink on his body. Is it wonder he’s starting to regret his many many body-doodles?
Ummm…whaaat whyyyy? Adam announced in July of this year that he was attacked by a cheetah while on safari in Africa. Which I wouldn’t have believed, but he brought along video to prove it. How random.
3. Britney Spears Shaving Her Head
Bear in mind that this happened back in 2007, back before the public celebrity meltdown was really a thing. So when I heard she shaved her head, I assumed people were exaggerating a really short haircut or that Brit was wearing a bald cap. Obviously, we now know that this episode was the real deal.
5. Prince Harry Challenging Ryan Lochte To A Swimming Race
ARE YOU KIDDING PRINCE HARRY. The man is an Olympian and you are but a Ginger Prince. You never had a chance.
6. Emma Roberts Getting Arrested For Beating Her Boyfriend
Ugh. This one was just so gross and sad that I was hoping it wasn’t true. But no such luck. Emma’s boyfriend and American Horror Story co-star Evan Peters didn’t file charges, but he had bruises and bite marks from a ‘verbal altercation’ when cops arrived on the scene. Shades of Chris Brown, anyone?
7. R. Kelly Peeing On An Underage Girl
Ugh again. Wouldn’t it be great if we could just erase this from our history? What a terrible, gross story. Some people have real problems.
8. Michael Douglas Getting Throat Cancer From Oral Sex
You can’t make this stuff up. Although I’m still not entirely sure he didn’t, because I don’t have enough of a grasp on the science of cancer and how that relates to going down on a ladyfriend and whatnot.
9. Justin Bieber Hoping Anne Frank Would’ve Been A Belieber
Most Bieber stories these days make me shake my head and/or put it into my palm, but this particular one more than usual. Seems like you really got the best use out of that Anne Frank Museum, buddy. Really grasped the point of the exercise.
10. Kim Kardashian And Kanye West Naming Their Baby “North West”
Of all the words in all the world, they had to choose one that made their daughter’s name a point on a compass. Nothing
11. Simon Cowell Getting His Friend’s Wife Pregnant
As if the world needed another reason to despise Simon Cowell, he went and knocked up a married woman. And not just any married woman — the wife of his friend. That, combnied with the fact that Simon Cowell will actually be a dad now, is more than enough to completely blow my mind.
12. Jenny McCarthy And Donnie Wahlberg Dating
These two are still holding strong at ‘Weirdest Couple of 2013′. Sometimes your ’90s celebrity worlds combine in ways we couldn’t have thought up if we wanted to, y’know?