Madonna Has A Grill Now Because Of Course She Does

Madonna shows off her grill in Rome August 2013At what point will Madonna start allowing herself to admit that she’s aging, do we think? I kind of want to start taking bets, because I’m thinking some serious money could be made off of this. My instinct is that she’ll never loosen her grip on her swiftly fading faded youth, and will instead just fall asleep one night smeared in her usual layers of stem cells and bone marrow, and just never wake up to to emerge from her sleeping pod ever ever again.

The newest lily pad she’s leaped to in her constant fleeing from Father Time is a big one, and frankly I’m surprised it’s taken her this long to get there: Madonna has finally up and gotten herself a grill. Grills are like the ultimate sign of youth, in that they are the ultimate sign of stupidity because they look ridiculous on everyone, so what could be better to convince Madonna that she’s a mere blushing lass of twenty-two instead of the deluded robo-lady of fifty-five years of age whom we see malfunctioning before us?? (Answer: nothing.)

These particular grills come in the form of little gold windows that allow her glistening chompers to shine through, and Madonna showed them off while visiting her Hard Candy Fitness Center in Rome yesterday. You guys. They look so ridiculous. And so sad. It’s become so obvious that she’s grasping at straws to stay hip and young and edgy. It just makes me tired to even watch her.

Sure, her body looks better than mine does now, at age twenty-five, but at least my body acts its age. Even now it doesn’t wear this or get itself in trouble on Instagram for how scantily clad it is, like Madonna’s does. Plus, I can guarantee that it won’t feel the need to gyrate underneath a mouth full of gold, either now or ever. #YOLO, y’know?

(Image: Kika Press /

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    • Olivia Wilson

      I like to think that Lourdes has refused to leave her bedroom until Madonna takes out her grill. That’s what I like to think.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I saw on the Today show today that it’s not the first time she’s warn it.


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    • Anon

      I have yet to understand the logic: “grills = certain age”. So you failed.
      Unlike “puberty” – which certainly happens only during a very specific window of time in everyone’s life – Madonna’s “grillz”, her fashions, her style is not limited to any age. There’s no age limit to wearing them, so what is your point?
      Oh, yeah, I forgot: you don’t have a point.
      When I look at Madonna wearing those “grillz” (with a “z”), I just see her having fun. It’s not that serious. She’s having fun with it, and above all, she’s getting headlines for it while she has no new material in the market.
      So besides admitting your flabby 25-yo body does not look as good as Madonna’s, you need to add something else to your article: you’re doing exactly what Madonna wanted you to do: talk about her “grillz.” And you thought you were being “smart” for writing about it…

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