The Real Housewives Of Miami is only into the second episode of its third season and they didn’t waste any time in becoming complete caricatures of themselves. These ladies are not only the richest and most plastic surgeried specimens south of the Mason-Dixon line, but also the pettiest, and they can whip up a whole drama cake in no time flat out of nothing but Splenda, Botox, and a little bit of star shine. It’s pretty impressive.
So instead of making you watch the whole cringe-worthy episode yourself, why don’t I just point out the most shaking-my-head-worthy moments. So here they are, you little gremlins — The 23 Most Unreasonable Moments On The Real Housewives Of Miami Last Night.
- Joanna wants her sister Marta to be her maid of honor, but her fiance Roman doesn’t even want her at the wedding. What’s that thing called where two people reach a compromise for love of each other? OH YEAH A MARRIAGE YOU TWO SHOULD FIGURE THIS OUT.
- Joanna being surprised that Roman wants a pre-nup. Girl need I remind you that you two have had some troubles in the past?
- Marysol was able to run with Alexia for approximately thirty seconds before she needed a break to to almost vom and chat.
- Adriana giving Frederic the silent treatment on camera with a full face of make-up on but pretending like she just woke up. I call BS.
- This photoshoot between Lisa and her maid Daysy. What. Are. You doing. How bored is this woman?
- The name ‘Daysy’. I forgot how much that bothers me.
- The fact that said Daysy has been rewarded for good service with plastic surgery. Yet another thing I forgot how much I was bothered by.
- The idea that if you date a guy younger than you, he can never leave you for someone younger. We live in a world where people turn eighteen every day, y’all!
- Referring to your maid as your best friend. Again — how bored is this woman?
- Alexia feeling the need to ‘revamp’ her closet when it’s 100% more organized than mine.
- The sentence, “This is a necessity, it’s not a luxury,” about closet organization.
- Adriana wanting to arrive at the church for her wedding via hot air balloon.
- Wanting to plan said wedding in six weeks. On an island without electricity or docks. How ideal.
- Lisa and her husband Lenny calling their new house disgusting and unsalvageable. Let’s get real, you’re in a beautiful home, it’s just a fixer-upper. Have a little imagination.
- Anyone handing Lisa a sledgehammer ever. LET’S BE REASONABLE.
- The women coincidentally splitting up into groups of three to do the bridal shopping: Marysol and Alexia with Adriana, and Lea and Lisa with Joanna.
- Lea’s weave. Pull it together, girl.
- Adriana crying with a crown on. Something about that is ridiculous and amazing to me.
- Lea saying out loud to herself, “Where was that masturbation scene?” while thumbing through the novel she’s writing.
- Adriana saying that she’s not married to Frederic even though she has a marriage license and she…GOT MARRIED. I forgot how bonkers this woman is.
- Those two clumps of hair on each side of her face that she’s been rocking for this whole episode, me in middle school-style.
- Adriana refusing to come in with Lea out of the rain “so you can make me dry!”
- The way Lisa says the word ‘preservationists’.
And many other very unreasonable things, just not quite unreasonable to make this venerable list. See you next week, suckas!