On the slight chance that the CNN alert did not show up on your phone this morning, you should know that it’s John Stamos‘ 50th birthday. And let me be the first to say it (on Crushable.com on this date) that’s he looking finer than ever. However we would be remiss in our journalistic duties if we didn’t address the elephant in the room: his role as Uncle Jesse on Full House. Despite all that he’s accomplished in recent years on Lifetime, we have to talk about all the times he should’ve had child services called for his poor treatment of the Tanner girls.
As someone who watched all eight seasons, eight times each, I’ll tell you that the Tanner girls — DJ, Stephanie, Michelle — are horrible children. They’re manipulative little creatures, they’re not nearly precocious as the studio audience thinks they are and worst of all, they’re actually receptive to Joey’s comedy routines. But that doesn’t excuse Jesse’s behavior toward them. Nor does it explain his complete lack of logic when it comes to making good decisions. Time and time again, he proves that he’s unable to make the right choice, or even a decent choice. Do you want a bad-choice-makers raising your three children? Lemme answer that for you, no.
So in the interest of overanalyzing ’90s shows, I’d like to talk about 12 specific moments that still cause me much concern.
1. The time he moved into Danny’s house and agreed to help him raise the girls, despite being a 25-year-old exterminator with little to no interest in raising children.
Look, I get it. His sister just died in some kind of tragic car accident and his brother-in-law’s stuck raising three girls alone. (In the ’80s, this was unthinkable. A man raising girls!? What’s next? Women not making sandwiches?) He thinks the noble thing to do is to move into the house for awhile and help out. But that’s wrong. The noble thing would’ve been to tell Danny to hire a nanny. I know both of them are in the arts, but I would like to think that they would both have enough of a math background to realize that the only thing worse than one guy who can’t figure out how to diaper a baby is two guys.
2. The time he went bananas on a very young Stephanie for accidentally cutting his hair.
One, Stephanie did him a huge favor by chopping off his mullet. It’s socially irresponsible to leave the house with that thing on your head on any other night besides Halloween. Two, it’s your fault for letting a small play child play hair salon with real scissors. That’s common sense 101. Three, oh you bet there’s a three, Stephanie got distracted and cut his hair because she was listening to him and Joey openly discuss who had to watch the kids that night. Things that don’t make kids feel good? Being told they’re a straight up obligation by their supposed caregivers.
3. The time he was horrible to D.J’s young friend, Kimmy Gibbler
And by time, I mean times plural. Did Jesse ever have a kind interaction with Kimmy Gibbler? While there’s been much written on the interweb about Gibbler’s treatment by the adult men of the Tanner household, I just had to bring it up here because it’s insane. Was it en vogue in the late ’80s to bully an awkward teenage girl and I’m just missing something? Or did the Gibbler Family make the biggest mistake of their lives by moving their tween daughter next door to three adult bullies.
4. The time he yells at DJ for recording over his Casa de Pancakes advertising jingle.
I’ll admit that DJ totally crossed some boundaries by going into Jesse’s room, but how about he keep his professional work in a professional place?! Oh right, he can’t. He and Joey run their entire advertising firm out of Mr. Woodchuck’s ass. If I sound angry, it’s because I am. You can’t be an exterminator, advertising jingle writer, DJ and rock star in one series.
5. The time Jesse let Scott Baio convince him to throw a party in the living room
Remember that time that Jesse threw himself a pity party because Scott Baio called him out on becoming totally lame. And that pity party took place in a suburban living room on a week night when three kids were supposed to be sleeping?! My bigger problem isn’t even the school night thing. It’s the location. The worst way to prove that you’re still Dr. Dare is to throw a G-rated dance party in your living room that involves your toddler niece playing the tambourine. You sure showed Scott Baio there that you still know how to party there Jesse!
6. The time he went parachuting on his wedding day.
Really? You’re going to trust the guy who thinks it’s a good idea to do an extreme sport for the first on his wedding day to raise your kids? Also Becky, don’t marry him. He not only went parachuting, but he went parachuting badly. What kind of novice gets stuck in a tree?
7. The time he didn’t call child services on Joey
Anyone who thinks Joey Gladstone should be rearing children — or even allowed near them — doesn’t deserve to raise children himself. The man not only lives in a basement, but also decorates it like the stuffed animal section of Toys R Us. If all your red flags aren’t going up, you most certainly have one of your own.
8. The time he fancied himself a business man and agreed to run the Smash Club
The guy who just got his high school degree thinks he’s capable of running the Smash Club. Sure, okay, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Crazier things have happened. Oh NVM, I take back the benefit of the doubt. He locked himself inside a supplies closet on opening night. OPENING NIGHT!
9. The time he yelled at Danny for yelling at him for letting Michelle knock over a million dollar dinosaur skeleton.
Uhhh Jesse, I hate to be on Team Danny, but yes, you ARE in the wrong for letting Michelle run so rampant in the museum that she destroys an extremely expensive dinosaur skeleton. We’re not talking about getting too close to a painting or speaking loudly. We’re talking about a four million dollar artifact. Jeez Jesse, pull it together.
10. The time Jesse brings the delinquent Stavros back to the US
Jesse’s so enamored with himself that he brings his identical cousin Stavros back with him from Greece. He goes on and on about how much he loves the guy, but I think that love’s purely based on the fact that he’s Jesse’s spit and image. I mean, it’s certainly not based on his character. The guy turns out be a giganto creep. But anyone who’s ever encountered a mustache outside of Brooklyn could’ve told you that.
11. The time Jesse brings Michelle’s friends to a bar instead of the science museum
Need I say more?
12. The time he chose to raise his babies in an attic, despite being a rock star in Japan.
I’m sorry, no. It’s incredibly irresponsible, not to mention straight up weird, to CHOOSE to raise your kids in an attic. Yeah, I know, they have super cool car beds. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he got manipulated by a toddler to stay in that house of horrors. Becky, raise your standards. I saw you raise your Murphy bed every morning in that attic, so I know you can do it.