There comes a time in every young woman’s life when she realizes she’s watched too much Sister Wives. It’s the day that you watch an episode and aren’t completely bowled over by the strangeness of it. It’s the day you can tell which sister wife is the mother of which children just by looking at them. It’s the day when certain aspects of the family’s life start to seem not only acceptable, but actually preferable. It’s a dark day, and for me, that day is today.
So instead of running from it, I decided to embrace it, and to welcome the rest of you into this dark world. Ideally to lead me out of it, but maybe to commiserate with me, and at the very least, to laugh at my folly. So here they are, folks. The 19 Most (Embarrassingly) Appealing Things About Last Night’s Episode Of Sister Wives:
- The Brown Family has the ability to move Christmas around at will. They’ve postponed it until January 2nd because that’s more convenient for them. The force is strong in these ones.
- Think of how easy moving would be if you had a fleet of teenage boys to help you move boxes! And you don’t even have to offer them free pizza and beer because A. they’re underage and B. family is family.
- We should all be so lucky to be married to Meri. Her restraint at being able to sit on the couch with Kody and the rest of the sister wives while they rub her face in not having a house and being infertile is pretty impressive.
- I would seriously love to live in a gated cul-de-sac full of people I knew and kids my age.
- I envy the power of these people to convince themselves that their neighborhood is nothing like a polygamous compound. You are polygamous. You live behind a gate. Please to enjoy your polygamous compound.
- This is a world in which you can buy a house without understanding the process or having enough money to do so! (Aka Paradise and/or 2007.)
- Being able to split holiday responsibilities between four houses and families would be glorious. One quarter of the dishes / mess.
- CARAMELS. I will eat those things.
- Christine‘s enthusiasm for this caramel contest is oddly endearing. I shall marry her!
- Being a man who can say, “If you can beat my mom, then you truly deserve to be my wife,” and still having four women who want to be married to you.
- Being that same man and saying, “You may be thinking that I’m a misogynist pig right here, but you don’t understand my genius.” Regrettably, you are correct.
- CREPES. Those are things I will eat also. Also the idea of a team of eldest girls to cook me special Mormon breakfast is muy appealing.
- Being a parent whose only responsibility is to show up and insult your kid’s personality. Lucky Mariah! She gets a whole quarter of a father, and the quarter that she does get has zero empathy for what being a teenager feels like!
- Still not that skinny blond girlbaby who goes gliding around like a ghost and never says a word. She will never be appealing and I will never be convinced that anyone else in the world can see her on their screens.
- SIXTY SIX PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE. YES YES YES.
- Robyn got Kody to cry just by letting him unwrap her Social Security Card as a gift. And then she got it right back. That is an excellent result and I will try it myself.
- Getting homes as gifts from god! God, I need a home! I live in an apartment! Please to send me a home as well! I worship you every Sunday while I watch Sister Wives and drink
wineyour holy blood!
- Janelle gets to be the only wife who doesn’t cook? That seems lucky! How do you get that job?
- Getting to throw around the phrase, “He’s your husband at the moment,” between sister wives. I think that would be a fun thing when your husband was being a douche-nozzle, to foist him off on one of his other wives. (Who am I. I’ve lost myself.)
- I will judge a candy-flavor test every day of the week. So help me Mormons.
So that’s it, you guys. Now you know all my secrets, and you can watch my social identity leak out of my body and go spilling down the drain into the world of reality television. Goodnight, sweet prince.