• Mon, Aug 19 2013

The Only 6 Differences Between Breaking Amish: LA And Hocus Pocus

Betsy Breaking Amish LA wtichcraft

If there’s one thing that I love more than Breaking Amish: Los Angeles, it’s witches.  To semi-quote a classic Bagel Bites commercial, “witches in the morning, witches in the evening, witches at supper time, when witchcraft’s on the table, we can cast spells any time.” And naturally, as a witch lover, I’m familiar with the docudrama called Hocus Pocus. Therefore I could not help last night but notice all the similarities between this episode of Breaking Amish and the movie. In fact, I could only pick out 6 differences between the two. 

1. There’s A Witchervention in Breaking Amish, there’s just an old-fashioned witch-killing-without-trial in Hocus Pocus

As we’ve seen in past episodes, Betsy’s super into witchcraft and the rest of the house is super not into it. You know what else these close-minded non-believers aren’t into? Betsy leaving lit candles all over the house when she has to take a bathroom break mid-spell. It’s like what are y’all afraid of? The house catching on fire? Babies! But babies be crying abut it and babies be really into witcherventions. Yep, they sit Bets down and are like “stop being a witch girlfriend!” I don’t recall a scene in Hocus Pocus where the local pilgrims tried to talk sense into the Sanderson Sisters after they killed Emily. Nope, they just hung them. Before they could even say, “you should know what happened to Thackery….”

2. Witch Betsy wants people to stop trash talking her, the Sanderson Sisters just want people to dance forever so they can kill their children and steal their youth

Betsy needs to rip a page from Winifred’s book and stop stressing out about what everyone thinks about her. She’s all, “if you’ve never been on the dark side, don’t judge me, you have no clue.” And I’m all like, “calm down Teen Witch, it doesn’t matter what the rest of your lameo housemates think of you. Just cast a spell and be done with them.” May I suggest, “I cast a spell on you.”

3. Kathy Najimy’s nowhere to be found in Breaking Amish, she’s everywhere to be found in Hocus Pocus

As Kathy Najimy’s biggest fan ever, I have a hard time paying attention to anything that involves witchcraft, but doesn’t involve her. The same thing applies to movies about singing nuns.

4.  Witch  Betsy goes out on her own, the Sanderson sisters don’t know the meaning of “alone”

After failing to be de-witched during her witchervention, Betsy strikes out on her own. Where she goes, nobody knows (except the cameras following her). While it’s totally brave of Betsy to leave the house, it’s also totally against the rules in Salem. You’ve heard that old saying right, the one that goes: “the witches who steal youth together, stick together!” If Betsy doesn’t find another coven soon, I’m worried about what will happen to her.

5. There’s no talking cat in Breaking Amish, there’s most definitely a talking cat in Hocus Pocus

While I want to be on Team Betsy so badly, I’m having trouble believing in her witchery due to her complete lack of a talking cat. Are you telling me she’s a real witch and she’s never turned a a young teenage boy into a cat who lives for all of eternity. Okay. What’s next? Her former lover isn’t buried in a graveyard with his mouth sealed shut? Betsy, if you want them to take you seriously, you need to get your hands on a talking cat. I’m sure Salem from Sabrina could use a paying gig and I’m sure that TLC has his contact info from an alleged failed show called I’m Obese, Pregnant and also a Talking Cat.

6. Witch Betsy casts spells via red lipstick on the counter, the Sanderson Sisters do it via book (boOooooOOook)

Before Betsy leaves the house, she writes “screw you, you’re all hexed” on the counter in red lipstick. It’s a hex alright, but it would sound so much more mature being read from a magical book with a moving eye. But what do I know? Well, besides the spell to turn a human into a cat.

7. Andrew’s insufferable in Breaking Amish, he’s non-existent in Hocus Pocus

Ugh Andrew, get off my TV. Oh, also, make sure to take your stupid ankle with you. Or better yet, Betsy, hex him please. I’m so sick of his drama-startin’ ways. Go back to your brother and your “mother” please.

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  • Olivia Wilson

    I think I know what movie I’ll be watching tonight! (It’s Hocus Pocus)

  • AmishFan

    Did anyone else notice that Lizzie said to Matt (twice!) that she and Iva really thought he’d enjoy the Thunder From Down Under show? I didn’t realize the Amish had gaydar…

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