Last night Lifetime aired a new movie called Baby Sellers. I’d been excited to watch, because I’d made this wild guess that it would turn out to be about people selling babies and I wanted to see if I was right. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I totally was. I should start playing the lottery more with this ability. Anyway, the movie turned out to be pretty meh, with a few gripping moments but also a few laughable ones. It still gave us plenty to talk about, like for instance how much hair Kirstie Alley has. And other things that I’ll think of in a second.
If I were trying to categorize this movie in my handy Lifetime movie directory (available for your perusal right here), I’d probably put it under “Bitches Get Stuff Done,” even though there were a few moments when I lost faith in bitches’ ability to do stuff. The main bitch here is Detective Nicole Morrison, played by Jane Krakowski’s long lost little sister Jennifer Finnigan. She’s a government agent with HSI, and her ponytail’s got a life of its own. Seriously, it’s such an attention whore. She moves two inches and it swings all the way around like, “LOOK AT ME!” And you know what? I did. Morrison and her ponytail are trying to bust a human trafficking ring, and they start the movie by stopping a truck full of women and babies. They catch one of the guys, but Morrison and her ponytail don’t run fast enough and the other guy gets away. I hope that doesn’t come back to bite her later in the movie.
Morrison and company (namely ponytail) find a link between the baby smugglers and an adoption agency run by none other than Evil Kirstie Alley, aka Carla Huxley. She adopted a girl from India whom she now forces to eat salads and recite heartfelt lines to lure people into unwittingly adopting her stolen babies. Morrison pays a visit to the agency and notices that Carla is fond of the rare blue orchid. What is it with villains and rare flowers? Whatever happened to just creepily petting a cat in a swivel chair? Now they have to be all cultured.
Morrison and her non-ponytail partner get a lead on where the baby seller kingpin is, and they infiltrate his house, where a bomb quickly goes off, killing Morrison’s partner. NOW IT’S PERSONAL. Except not, because Morrison never mentions him again. But because she noticed a blue orchid in the house, that links Carla to the baby-selling, and it gives Morrison a way to catch this human trafficker once and for all.
Meanwhile, Carla is posed with the problem of finding a blonde, blue-eyed baby for a wealthy couple, and what do you know, there’s a woman sitting in a waiting room in Brazil holding a picture of her baby’s father who happens to match that description and lo and behold the baby is born looking just like him. The evil doctor who’s working with Carla steals the baby and they tell the poor girl that he died.
Meanwhile again, Morrison pretends to want to adopt a baby so she can join Carla and other adoptive parents on a trip to India. There’s a scene where Carla talks to them from the front of a bus and the view through the windshield behind her is like something out of an old movie. Seriously, I felt like I was watching The Man Who Knew Too Much starring Kirstie Alley. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they hadn’t lingered on it forever. At one point it looked like they were headed straight into a truck coming from the other direction. They end up at an orphanage called Blue Orchid Orphanage. Really?
Morrison snoops around for evidence and eventually must help a man named Dilip (Arjun Gupta) whose baby was stolen after he left her at the orphanage to be monitored by doctors. They get to know each other by having this ridiculous conversation. (Correct me if I misheard it.)
Dilip: Do you have children?
Morrison: No, I’m 30… Okay, 32.
Dilip: You could be a grandmother.
It’s not even the grandmother line that amuses me. It’s the fact that Morrison A.) thinks 30-32 is too young to have children and B.) felt the need to lie about being 32. Again, correct me if I misheard this. I was distracted by Morrison’s ponytail. Anyway, Dilip proves to be very resourceful and hitches a ride with the guys who are currently transporting his stolen baby. When he finally finds his baby, they take her away and then kill him. Morrison doesn’t realize he’s dead until she calls his phone and somehow hears it vibrate from 20 feet away where his lifeless body currently lies. WHAT USE ARE YOU, LADY?!
Meanwhile, Carla introduces the Americans to their new babies in some kind of hotel conference room where the babies are sitting on tables like it’s a silent auction. Indian officials storm in to “check the paperwork,” but because they’re totally in on the baby-selling, they let Carla get away with it. But Carla’s a little shaken because she thinks people are onto her, I guess, so she gets distracted during her “I adopted this little girl” speech, and her daughter is like, “Mom, get it together,” at which point Carla tries to justify her baby-selling by saying she does it to save the babies from abuse. Uh oh, Carla’s cracking.
Morrison figures out that if she can track down Dilip’s baby, who conveniently has a distinctive birthmark, she can use her as evidence of Carla’s baby-selling ways, but of course the baby-crazy lady who said “I wish I could adopt them all” when they arrived at the orphanage is the one who adopted that baby. OF COURSE. Needless to say, she’s never gonna give her up… never gonna let her down… never gonna turn around and desert her. Whoa, sorry, got off track there. Oh, and remember that Brazilian girl who thought her baby was dead? She figures out what happened but it doesn’t matter because the evil guys kill her too.
Carla is busy walking around a hotel with a handbag that is so obviously empty, based on the way she swings it around. She runs into Morrison, who is sans ponytail and who reveals to her that she herself was adopted, because duh. Carla and her fabulous headband just laugh at her and walk away. Eventually, however, Morrison busts Carla with the help of the Brazilian doctor (I think?) and gets her to work with them to catch the main evil guy. (There were a lot of evil guys, it’s hard to keep track.) Unfortunately, evil guy’s assistant is the same guy Morrison let get away at the beginning of the movie, and he recognizes her, leading to an intense kick-boxing match that ends with Carla shooting the main evil guy to shut him up. Evil bitches get stuff done.
Unfortunately they can’t arrest Carla because of something-or-other, but luckily with God as her witness, she’ll never sell another baby again! Oh, and the guy running things in India will never pay the price. So… what exactly got accomplished here? On a happier note, Morrison brings Dilip’s baby girl back to his wife in India. So hooray, I guess? Ugh, I don’t even know anymore.