In five months exactly, it will be the day before my wedding. You know what I won’t be doing? Getting pampered at the Plaza hotel with my best friend. I also won’t be working with my personal wedding planner to finalize last-minute details, or making sure my parents are handling the finances well, or flying guests to the English countryside for my elaborate-yet-adorable nuptials. No, I’ll be running around like a chicken with my head cut off, sweating up a nervous and stressed-out sweat in the middle of January, convincing myself I don’t want to call the whole thing off and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. That’s the difference between real-life weddings and Hollywood’s idea of real-life weddings. Here are seven more!
1.) Everything costs money. EVERYTHING.
Movies don’t show you what really goes into wedding planning for poor people, because it’s less romantic or some shit. Well I’m here to tell you that every little detail, even napkins and chair covers, cost an exorbitant amount of money. We’re actually not even serving hors d’oeuvres during cocktail hour because that would mean an extra $8 per head.(Tacky? You bet. Feel free to bring your own cubes of Pepper Jack). For cut up cucumbers and a few blocks of cheese. What, I asked myself, was the effing point of getting hitched in the middle of winter to save $5 per head if VEGETABLES I COULD GROW FOR FREE were going to cost $8?!
2.) Not everyone’s parents will cash in their life savings to give their little girl the wedding gala of her dreams.
It blows my mind how much some peoples’ parents are willing to dole out for a wedding. It’s one day, people. One. Day. That’s not necessarily a reason to have your reception in the playroom of a McDonald’s, but it’s also no reason to take out a third mortgage on your house. I wouldn’t dream of expecting my dad to fork over thousands and thousands of dollars for my wedding. There’s a lot of stress in paying for it yourself, but also a lot of satisfaction (read: control).
3.) No one in their right mind would agree to be a bridesmaid 27 times.
I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, and while it was a lot of fun and quite special on the day of, everything leading up to it is just… not my cup of tea. I’m also not a “typical” bride, but I don’t mean any offense to those who are. I just know first-hand (by both being a bridesmaid and having bridesmaids) that it’s not always the giggly, perfect, let-me-make-things-so-easy-for-you dream scenario movies lead us to believe it is.
4.) I think I’d know if my sister’s date was a hooker.
Not just because she’s my best friend and maid of honor and therefore I know her better than she knows herself, but because real-life gigolos don’t look like Dermot Mulroney. Also, she’s a terrible liar and is full-time college student with no money.
5.) No one is crashing a budget wedding.
Look, my wedding is going to be a fan-fucking-tastic time. My fiance and I both come from a long line of drinkers and our friends can throw a few back better than most. I am not under the illusion, however, that anyone who doesn’t know us well enough to get invited would try and sneak their way in to a wedding at a banquet hall in the suburbs of Pittsburgh, PA. Also, we can only afford to invite so many people- the chances of me not knowing everyone there are slim to none. (Actually, ask me again after I’ve thrown back 5 or 6 bridal beverages… that may no longer be true.)
6.) My betrothed loves me a lot, but not enough to forgive me for running away.
Real talk: Love is patient, love is kind, but love is probably not strong enough to endure your fiance walking out in the middle of your wedding and high-tailing it out of town. The next time I saw him, I’d probably be punching him in the kisser… not listening to his bullshit monologue of why deserves forgiveness. I’m sure the same goes for him (minus the punching).
7.) You will consider eloping in Vegas and having Elvis marry you.
Okay, so this is one similarity between movie weddings and real weddings. There will come a time (or several) where you’re so sick of thinking about everyone else and what they’ll want you to do (even though being like that is SO out of character for you- oh, just me?) that you’ll consider screaming “SCREW THIS” out loud to no one in particular, hopping on the next plane to Vegas, and getting married at the Chapel of Hunka Hunka Burning Love instead. Because the only thing that matters is this:
(Lead photo: Tumblr)