Selena Gomez’s Parents Apparently Staged A Bieber-vention To Keep Jelena Apart

Selena Gomez attending Teen Choice Awards August 2013In other glorious news that I feel was invented specifically for me, apparently Selena Gomez‘s parents recently staged an intervention for her. But not for any drug or alcohol, nay nay, not for our Selena. Nope, this intervention was for a little something I like to call Bieber Fever, that Selena seems to keep suffering from, no matter how many times it seems like she’s finally gotten inoculated. (Nailed it.)

It would be pretty funny if it weren’t also such a tragedy…or maybe it’s the other way around and it would be tragic if it weren’t such a comedy. I can’t decide, but either way, Selena’s parents did apparently sit her down and ask her to sever all ties with that giant hairless diaper monkey who goes by the name of Justin Bieber. According to a friend of Selena’s speaking to Life & Style,

“They told her Justin was a really bad person. They said she has to get rid of him from her life, otherwise they can’t be a part of her life — her new baby sister included. There were tears from everyone and Selena was devastated.”

Wait, WHAT. This is like, real intervention-style. They’re threatening to cut off contact with Selena unless she removes Justin from her life? And bringing a baby into it? Who can resist babies? I thought I was the only one who felt this strongly about him.

This whole thing was apparently spurred by Selena hooking up with Justin again on July 27th, which I can’t believe I didn’t even know about. You guys are supposed to keep me up to date on stuff like this. I can’t just have popstars running around bumping uglies willy-nilly, y’know? I NEED TO BE ON TOP OF THIS.

“It was a moment of weakness. She promised her family she wouldn’t see [Justin] again. It’s going to be tough for her, but she wants to break free this time.”

Okay but then…who will keep you in the news? Not to be a buzzkill after such a successful Bieber-vention and all, but I’ve never been oh-so-very impressed by your singing voice.

(Image: Adriana M. Barraza /

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    • Olivia Wilson

      If anything, they should just cancel their cable subscription and tune into the upcoming episodes of What Will Jelena Do Next?

    • ChiChi

      I NEED to learn how to do a Bieber-vention. The school is swarmed by Beaver-fans. I have posted ‘Beaver Fever-Warning’ signs wherever I could. Someone took them down. :-(

    • you’re a bitch

      BItch. Justin does nothing to anyone. he makes mistakes obviously bitch just like you, you slut. does him helping with charities, and going to africa to help rebuild schools and house not mean anything to you? do you volunteer your time to do that? i mean imagine paparazzi following you around and saying shit about your friends and family 24/7, having to grow up in front of the world. obviously you don’t know since you’e irrelevant. He’s done NOTHING to you. He’s human. he knows what’s wrong and what’s right but when you’re a fucking teenager you feel like you own the world and you know what your doing. i would know. shut the fuck up and stop with justin this makes you look worse you fucking cunt.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        And with fans like you, how could he NOT be an amazing person???