Extreme Cougar Wives aired on TLC last night. Naturally I dropped everything I was doing (and drinking) and rushed home to watch it. As one of the very lucky people who caught it last year, I knew it was must-see-tv. Although I must say that you know we’ve hit a low point in society when we have to say EXTREME cougar wives to get people excited. How I long for days when just being a cougar was scandalous enough. Nowadays there has to be a multi-decade age gap to even be considered a coguar of note.
But enough nostalgia. Let’s talk about what happened last night.
1. While laying in bed with Brad (25), Kathy (54) implied she could tie knots with her vagina.
Brad asks Kathy if she can tie a knot with her tongue. Mostly because he’s a 12-year-old boy trapped in a grown man’s body. She’s like “I can tie knots with something elseeee” in a manner that I suppose is meant to be seductive. But what? What else can she tie knots with? Her fingers? Because those are the typical knot tying widgets. The tone of her voice makes me think she means something sexual, which only leaves her vagina and her butt. Unless she has some kind of pronged clitoris hanging out down there, I do not believe for a second that she can tie knots with her vag.
2. Jeraldine (89) made love with Donaldo (46)for 12 hours
And yes, Jeraldine says “made love” because she’s fourteen hundred thousand billion years old. Also no. With the exception of Sting, no one needs to have sex for 12 hours. That’s way too much excitement for a normal heart, let alone one residing inside an 89-year-old lady.
3. Gale (55) Bathes Ian (23)
Here’s something I wish I could unsee: Gale watching Ian take a bath and giggling like a school girl. Sure, seeing them in the tub together would also make me uncomfortable. But that would be a little bit less unsettling than seeing her treat him like a child/lover. Those are two words that should always be separated by more than just a slash.
4. Kathy talked about Brad’s balls in front of his parents
Remember that girl in middle school who did outrageous things just to shock her parents. That’s Kathy. Except she’s real old to pulling those kinds of stunts. But she does! At dinner with Brad’s parents! Someone says “meatballs” and she uses that as an excuse to say “your son’s balls taste good.” Which, like her knot-tying-vagina isn’t a thing. Generally speaking, I think we can agree that balls do not taste good. And tell you what, those balls better taste like chocolate-dipped cronuts if you’re going to bring that up at dinner. Oh also she informed us at dinner that she lost her virginity while spending the night at NYU. You know, after Brad’s parents said that their daughter attends school there.
5. Ian’s dating Gale because doesn’t think people are loving and caring anymore
At one point Ian explains that he’s dating the elderly Gail because she has qualities that young people don’t have anymore. His two examples? She’s loving and caring. Call me a softie, but I think young people still have those qualities. It’s not like he said, “she can crochet and tell hilarious stories about home ec at the same time!” He just named two qualities that I think everyone of all ages looks for in their significant other. Poor dumb Ian.
5.5 Ian says he never thinks about the age difference between him and Gale, except when he does.
This one is really just extension of #5 because it reflects my belief that Ian might not be all that bright. While proposing (!) to Gale, he’s like “Gale, some people think we have an age difference, but I haven’t ever noticed that. Except when I have. It is big. But I never think about it. Also, you are older than me.”
6.Brad’s dad implies the whole show’s an acting gig on Facebook
One of my favorite activities when watching a reality show is to see which of the stars has an open Facebook profile. And once I see who does, I move on to trying to find something really juicy and scandalous and ideally illegal on it. So you can imagine how excited I got when I saw that Brad’s dad called this an acting gig in a recent status. Huzzah! Let’s pray that everyone on this show’s acting and no one really thinks it’s sexy to imply that her vagina can tie knots.
(Photos: DCL, TLC.com)