• Wed, Aug 14 - 12:22 pm ET

Justin Timberlake Spotted In Vicinity Of Woman Who Is Not Jessica Biel, Arrest Appears Imminent

Justin Timberlake Jimmy Fallon Me So Horny History of Rap

Despite being legally married to Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake had the audacity to be seen in the presence of a blonde woman while leaving the studio one night. And not just any blonde woman, but a mystery one. For those of you out there who don’t spend your entire day reading gossip blogs, let me fill you in on something. “Mystery woman” is a polite way of saying “this human being is so not famous that we couldn’t even begin to take a guess as to what she calls herself.” What Justin Timberlake was doing inches away from this M.W, we’ll never know. Ever. Everything about this mystery woman will forever be a mystery. She’s the human equivalent of a Boxcar Children book with the last ten pages ripped out.

What we do know is that Jessica Biel should be upset, enraged, even murderous. I’ve seen people kill their spouses for less than this on Discovery ID. There’s nothing more suspicious than a celebrity hanging out with a normal. Especially a blonde normal. Even if he didn’t speak to her once or glance in her general direction, he violated their marriage contract by even making it possible to be photographed with her. Do I think we should stone him? No. Do I think castration’s out of the question? Also no.

While I can go on and on about this act of infidelity all day long, I think MediaTakeout.com sums up my thoughts on the matter perfectly with their extremely appropriate and accurate headline, “CAUGHT CREEPING!!! Justin Timberlake Is Spotted LEAVING THE STUDIO LATE LAST NIGHT . . . With A MYSTERY Blonde Who AIN’T HIS WIFE!!!”

Honestly, I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

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