I made my boyfriend watch Sister Wives for the first time last night, and I probably owe him an apology, because think it may have officially broken his brain. I’m deep in it enough now that I rarely question anything that anybody on the show does, but I guess I forgot how weird the whole Brown Family seems if you’re just tuning in for the first time. There are only so many times you can hear the mantra about getting into the new Vegas houses by Christmas before you start saying it to yourself in the mirror when you get ready in the morning, y’know?
But watching with him jolted me out of my down-with-polygamy reverie, and once that had happened, there were quite a few thing’s about last night’s episode that made exactly zero sense, even if you have an understanding of the FLDS lifestyle. Twenty of them, in fact:
- Why is Robyn just now getting her name legally changed from Sullivan to Brown? As far as I can tell, she and Kody got ‘married’ all the way back in 2010, so what was the hold up? It’s not like there are legal documents to support your marriage, so I’d think that the name-change thing would be a priority.
- What does Robyn’s ex-husband think about this polygamy thing? About his kids being raised in that environment? I’d like to schedule twenty hours of interviews with him to be aired later this season, please and thank you.
- The fact that Kody is comfortable saying the following about his second wife, Janelle, “Once in a while when Janelle and I get romantic, things tend to get a little awkward,” knowing that it will be aired on national television.
- The fact that one of the ways Kody and Janelle do get intimate is through furniture shopping. Kinky.
- The names of Christine‘s kids: Aspyn, Mykelti, Paedon, Gwendlyn, Ysabel, and Truely. Nice try, but only two of those are even vaguely recognizable as English words.
- The fact that they’re drafting a Brown Family mission statement. When your brood becomes large enough that you need to treat it like a corporation, it might be time to pump the brakes.
- Why Christine doesn’t want to raise kids just how she would raise them. That’s…exactly how I want to raise my kids. Isn’t that the whole point of lugging them around for nine months? That you get to pretty much make the judgement calls after that?
- THAT HAIR. Always that hair. I see from pictures that Kody used to have a semi-normal haircut, so he’s at least aware of what the term means, but he’s strayed from the path of the Holy Barbershop and I know not how to make him return.
- Why did Meri have her mom come out to Vegas to help them move when they weren’t even cleared to move into the houses? What a waste of a family visit.
- WHERE IS THE MONEY TO BUY FOUR HOUSES COMING FROM. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE EVEN SEEM TO HOLD A JOB AND THEY HAVE 3984753873254 KIDS.
- Why they’d move all the sister wives into their houses at different times. In an arrangement that’s already primed to foster jealousy, shouldn’t we avoid playing favorites any more than we already are?
- Who built these houses and why are they so slanted?
- In what world is it necessary to have all the ‘congratulations, your house is ready!’ conversations in front of Meri? Especially when she’s the only one who won’t be in by Christmas.
- Why Kody is again comfortable with dissing Janelle, saying, “I’m relieved to be doing it now [the walkthrough] with Janelle because I know she’s not very picky.” Alright girl, get it.
- Why is tiramisu a necessary part of a birthday celebration for the prophet Joseph Smith?
- What these kids are supposed to do with a framed explanation of their name. Merry Christmas, scholars!
- Why why WHY Robyn’s kids have to see the house before she takes them to Montana.
- These kids are never getting to Montana. You don’t start a sixteen-hour drive at dusk, amateurs.
- Why Christine’s nose is so red when they’re all sitting on the couch.
- No one ever explained how the miracle of them moving in by Christmas occurred. All we kept hearing was that it wouldn’t happen and then POOF HUZZAH HOOPLA it did. Unless you’re Meri. In which case the angel Moroni has no Christmas love for you.
My brain hurts. Pass the tiramisu.