This week marked the 100th episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. So, for those people like myself who’ve been watching since the show began in 2007, that means it’s time for some serious self reflection.
I’ve actually taken the time to do some math on this, and I can confidently say that keeping up with this family is no longer a casual past time. It’s a seven-year Sunday night staple that I’ve dedicated over 4,200 minutes, or 70 hours, or yup that’s right, nearly 3 days to watching. And that doesn’t even include any time spent watching Kardashinan show spins offs, wedding specials, or reruns.
Rather than cry over the days of life I’ve lost watching, I’ve decided to embrace it. I mean, what’s done is done. And it’s not like they don’t have any talent, right?
But seriously, where oh where does the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in my college dorm watching Bruce steal Kris’s dress in an attempt to win his balls, aka his ATM card, back; Kendall and Kylie were asking their parents to be home schooled and being met with a firm no, which quickly turned into a yes; and Khloe wanted to make a sexy candy video for Lamar until she felt really embarrassed about the whole situation and then just wanted to hide in a hole.
Actually, it doesn’t even seem like yesterday, it seems like a few hours ago, which it pretty much was. And by that I mean, I feel like all of the major plot lines in this week’s episode were just reconstructed scenes from seasons past. Take Bruce: he’s still on a fruitless attempt to prove he has some balls, but instead of stealing dresses, he’s letting the kids tear up Kris’s yard and build him a putting green. Except then he remembers Kris scares him so he tells them not to do it. Then there’s Kendal and Kylie: Rather than asking to be home schooled, they’re asking for a summerhouse in Malibu, and just like last time, Kris first tells them over her dead body are they moving out, but then caves and gets them a newly decorated Malibu home. And as for Khloe, well, I think you can guess where this is going. She first wants to do a sexy acrobatics photo shoot for Lamar, but after careful consideration and some jabs from her siblings becomes so embarrassed by the whole idea that she almost cancels the whole shoot.
I think it’s time for the Kardashian-Jenners to hire new writers or something. Or maybe this is a sign that the family hasn’t achieved much growth over the last 8 seasons? Maybe the fact that I can make all of those comparisons between this week’s episode and episodes of season’s past means it really is time for me to stop watching?
Nah, don’t be ridiculous. Recycled plot lines or not, I know I’ll be tuning in each week until E! pulls the plug on the family for good. And according to Wikipedia, that means my Sunday nights are book until at least 2015. But like I said, I’m not ashamed. I know that watching the Kardashians over the years has really enriched my life. To prove it, here are five things I definitely would not know if I hadn’t spent all that time been keeping up.
1. Who Bruce Jenner is
I mean, seriously, would any of us have who Bruce Jenner was if not for KUWTK? Sure, our parents might remember him as that guy from the Wheaties commercials who won an Olympic medal back in ’76, but for those of us not around to witness his decathlon greatness, Bruce would have completely fallen off the Hollywood map–I mean, even farther than he already has fallen–without this reality show.
2. You can rent a chimpanzee online
I learned this gem way back in season three when the Kim goes online and rents Kris chimpanzee to convince her that she doesn’t want a baby. Because I guess chimps are just like babies. But what’s even more astonishing to me than the fact that you can indeed rent chimps online is that in this particular episode, the chimp renting company just gave it to Kris without leaving any kind of trained help behind. Think about this. This is a wild animal that anyone with an internet connection can have delivered to their home with no supervision. Even Kris Jenner. Personally, seems like a bad idea to me.
3. Marriage is all about trial and error
From watching the rise and fall of Kim Kardashian‘s marriage to Kris Humphries, I’ve learned that when you think you might like someone, then the best thing to do is get married right away and think about ask questions later. For example, if it turns out that one of you is planning on settling down to raise kids in Minnesota while the other has no intention of ever leaving Los Angeles, it’s best to learn this after you’re already married. No sense spoiling a good relationship before the marriage even happens.
4. Even if people hate you, they will still spend an exorbitant amount if time thinking about you.
I think we can all agree that the Kardashians aren’t the most well-liked celebrities in Hollywood. Some would even say they’re not celebrities at all but fame hungry robots. But it kind of doesn’t matter. They’re still all over our tabloids, televisions, and twitter feeds. People may hate them, but it’s kind of one if those “Don’t you just love to hate that family?!” kinds of things.
5. The point of having a family is to make money off of them
Forget relying on your family to help you recover from the bad times and celebrate the good times. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Kris Jenner over the last seasons, it’s that a family member is simply not worth having if you can’t exploit them to make money for yourself. Ever since season 1 when Kris pushed a reluctant Kim to pose naked for playboy, Kris and has held hard and fast to this belief.