• Mon, Aug 12 - 3:59 pm ET

This Footage Of The Justin Bieber Brawl Proves He’s A Giant Hairless Monkey

Justin Bieber in brawl outside club August 2013You know that thing where you’re babysitting and you keep thinking you’ve successfully put the kid to bed, and then he pops out of his bedroom again and sneaks back into the living room to watch TV over your shoulder? Well I feel like that’s how Justin Bieber‘s handlers must feel constantly — like every time they feel like they allllmost have him under control, he suddenly scoots out and jumps at someone like a giant hairless monkey again.

Oh did I mention? I have a new theory that Biebs is the missing link between us and our ape ancestors. He certainly walks like a primate, sloping around all the time, and the intensity of his dislike for shirts certainly suggests a fair amount of monkey DNA. Plus, remember when he attacked that paparazzo? He looked like nothing so much as a spider monkey hurling himself out of that car. I think I really might be onto something here.

And the new footage of Justin’s brawl outside that nightclub this weekend does nothing to dissuade me, because it features him running along over the top of his own car like a slow motion monkey. A human would remember that it was his own car he was stepping on, but live action Diddy Kong has no such worries. I mean come on! The guy can’t even remember to put on a shirt pants clothes of any kind when he’s playing guitar for his grandma! His main concern is collecting enough bananas to speed up his go-kart.


We already knew that this fight was started over an H&M bow-tie, which was ridiculous enough, but after seeing the awkward way that Justin slouched over his own car to join the fight while his bodyguards beat the crap out of a guy, I’m 100% convinced that my suspicions are correct. Just nobody tell Justin that he’s actually a hairless boy-ape, or he might abandon himself in Germany.

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