Look, I love watching twenty-somethings break Amish as much as the next person. But ifÂ Breaking Amish: LAÂ keeps blatantly ripping offÂ Breaking Amish: The Original,Â I’m going to have to stop watching. And I mean it. I’ll watch reruns ofÂ Amish MafiaÂ faster you can say, “there’s also a wonderful Amish film on Lifetime if you’re interested in watching fictional Amish drama that’s more believable that reality TV starring actual Amish folks.”
Before you start accusing me of overreacting to this copycatting, let me run you through my list of things that season’s already stolen from the first.Â
Â 1. We have a rebel.
Remember how badass Jeremiah Raber was in season one? Well Andrew’s taking his spot as Douchebag Numero Uno in this group of goofy gal pals. And as the resident dickwad, he’s not taking any orders. Or suggestions. Even if they’re strong suggestions that are along the lines of, “please, please wear clothes around the house.”
2. We have makeovers
Just like in season one, the gang gets complete English makeovers. And then spends 45 minutes reminding us how taboo everything they just did is in their Amish communities. Blah, blah, blah…we know. We watched it happen the first time around. Also, let’s go ahead and assume that everything we see on the show is taboo at home. Mmkay? Show me something new and exciting. Something a little bit less Princess DiariesÂ and a little bit more “you’re going to regret that tattoo of all our faces on your back….”Â Also show me Lizzie’s actual natural hair. Because what we just saw on TV last night looked pretty professionally done to me. What up highlights in never-been-touched-before Amish hair!
3. We have uncomfortable sexual moments
Back in season one, we had to listen to the kids talk about how it’s totally normal for Amish men to have sex with animals. And now we’re forced to re-enter that Discomfort Zone (located next to that shut down Discovery Zone across the street from the shut down mall) when we watch Devon get turned on by his haircut. At first I was all like, maybe I’m misunderstanding this, there’s no way an electric razor on his shoulder would get him all hot and bothered. But yes, there is a way and it was confirmed that it did. So yeah, that’s fun to watch happen.
4. We have a clinically insane girlÂ
Krazy Kate certainly proved to be big enough hit during season oneÂ that they hired Batty Betsy to full her role. And tell you what, she might be even more insane than Kate was during those locked bathroom camera sessions. Not only does she believe in witchcraft, but she also hears spirits. Which means only one things, she secretly watched a lot ofÂ Hocus PocusÂ during her childhood. Or she’s a witch. So fine, it could mean two things.
5. We have Abe and Rebecca drama
Even though we thought we left Rebecca and Abe in Florida, they’ve come to L.A via Abe’s brother, Andrew. During the episode, he admits that heÂ isÂ Abe’s brother and that Rebecca’s ruined everything and that he’s barely spent any time with his niece. (And yes, the usage of the word niece from Andrew once again confirms that Abe’s probably the mystery father.) Considering the fact that we got two seasons full of their drama, I’m kinda over that ish.
6. Â We have a scandalous baby
As you may or may definitely have noticed, Lizzie’s pregnant! With a baby! Despite the fact that ultrasounds are totally banned by the Amish, she gets one. You know what else she gets? The sex of the baby. Guess what else is banned by the Amish? Learning a baby’s sex. Want to know what I think they should name the baby? Okay, I’ll tell you — Banish. Baby Banish Breaking Amish. Ban for short.
7. We have ignorance
Ahhh, it wouldn’t beÂ Breaking Amish, if we got through an entire episode without an ignorant comment. This week’s is brought to you by Iva and a restaurant.Â ”Is this like chinesetown or something?” she adorably asks before going on her date, (shhh, she doesn’t know it’s a date) with Devon. It’s not as high up on my list as the season one gang asking what’s up with MLK day, but it’s definitely on my list of moments that I truly hope are scripted on the show.
(Photo: Allie is Wired)