Did anyone else get a peculiar tickling feeling in the part of the brain that analyzes the aging process of child stars when Abigail Breslin showed up at the Teen Choice Awards last night in all her grown-up glory? It gave me a case of the willies and made my fingers super itchy until I could get to Wikipedia to find out exactly how old she is now. Answer: seventeen.
She’s only/already seventeen years old, which means it’s not even really appropriate for me to talk about the main thing (or…things) in this photo that make me so uncomfortable. I think we’re all clear on what I’m referring to.
But you know what? I’m gonna talk about it, because the world needs to know my opinions! That’s why you all come clamoring to my door in the morning, asking me what I think about famous people, and then crowd onto the website to seek my professional advice for how to feel about them! I know all this, and I live to serve, so let’s talk about Abigail Breslin’s cleavage.
Because it. Is. Present. It’s front-and-center and in-your-face in a way that makes me wonder about the construction of the dress, from which direction the constricting force is being exerted, and lots of other physics- and anatomy-related things that I’d sooner not ponder about an actress that my brain still categorizes as a little girl. I mean, c’mon. I would’ve really liked to get through my Monday afternoon without feeling blindsided by the maturation of someone born in 1996.
I understand that the road from child star to adult star is a difficult one to navigate, but this sort of thing doesn’t happen in the wild, with normals! As Jenni helpfully pointed out to me earlier, non-famous people don’t automatically burst into puberty like flowers in bloom once they reach a certain age. Usually they drift into it, making gradual changes that keep me more at ease instead of opening some sort of treasure chest somewhere and having a video game voice boom out, “Congratulations! You have achieved sexuality!”
I guess what I’m saying is I would really like it if my feelings were taken into consideration when these stars were deciding on outfits for the night. Before donning a particularly plunging top or daring hemline, I’d really appreciate if any former child star could ask themselves, “What is the last memory that Alexis Rhiannon has of me, and will this particular outfit dash that to smithereens and leave her with nothing solid to hold onto in the world?” Because in my case, the last time I saw Abigail, she was rocking a low-pony and a sweatband, putting on a hell of a show at a beauty pageant in Little Miss Sunshine.
I can acknowledge that, by doing that movie, she didn’t make a personal agreement with me never to move or change, and instead to remain frozen forever in time, but WOULD THAT REALLY BE SO MUCH TO ASK. It’s just so abrupt! I feel like I looked away for one minute and suddenly we’re dyeing our hair and showcasing our bodies! It makes me feel like a parent saying, “Young lady, I know I haven’t seen you around in about three years, but you’re not really wearing that to school, are you? It makes your father Ryan Gosling and I uncomfortable.”
What? You think it’s weird that I made Ryan Gosling my husband? You guys, this is a world in which I can freeze time with my bare hands. I feel pretty certain that that’d be enough to pique his interest.
(Image: Nikki Nelson / WENN.com)