I’ve been writing weekly Lifetime movie reviews for Crushable for almost a year now, and it has been so much fun. It’s one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Even more rewarding than putting potato chips on a sandwich. Actually, get back to me about that. But seriously, you guys, thank you so much for reading my posts and leaving comments and going on this journey with me.
It’s been a very educational journey, that’s for sure. For instance, I’ve learned that 17 is the unluckiest age there is. I’ve also learned that it’s a really good idea to bring a tape recorder everywhere you go and just leave it on in case your enemy decides to confess to something. Oh and also, background checks are super important when hiring a nanny or a surrogate or a waitress or anyone. These are lessons that I’ll carry with me for life, and I’m glad that I have opportunity to share them with you from week to week. That’s why this directory is so handy. When you’re in need of some Lifetime wisdom, you can come to this page, find the category that best fits your mood and pick a review to read. Are you bookmarking this post yet? I’ll give you a second. Ready? Let’s get started.
BITCHES GET STUFF DONE
What’s better than a lady detective/lawyer/psychologist solving a crime and hooking up with a hot cop on the side? Nothing, I tell you! Nothing.
Hunt for the Labyrinth Killer
A lady lawyer defends her father in a serial killer case, daddy issues ensue, and the lady lawyer fails to hook up with the hot cop.
The Toyman Killer
A lady psychologist investigates a crime involving creepy dolls, reenacts every horror movie ever, and succeeds in hooking up with the hot cop.
Lifetime tricks us into watching a TV pilot by disguising it as a two-hour movie where Mena Suvari is a lesbian.
An Amish Murder
Neve Campbell and her fur hat solve the murder of an Amish girl, fail to solve the mystery of why the Amish are so popular these days.
Willed to Kill
A lady cop tracks down a serial killer, puts together a lot of crazy corkboards, and hooks up with a hot non-cop.
The Eleventh Victim
A released serial killer seeks revenge on a lady lawyer, art is involved, and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS NANCY GRACE IS FLIRTING WITH METTA WORLD PEACE.
A HSI agent tries to bust Kirstie Alley for buying babies, while I try not to be distracted by how long Kirstie’s hair is.
Taken: The Search For Sophie Parker
This is the ultimate Bitches Get Stuff Done movie, and there’s the added bonus of long hair and leather jackets.
The bitch in this movie isn’t a cop or a shrink or anything, but she does get stuff done, so I’ll give her a spot here, JUST THIS ONCE.
The Grim Sleeper
If you like really long Law & Order episodes, you’ll love this movie.
The Trials of Cate McCall
Zzzzzzz…. oh sorry, I was just watching this movie.
A divorcing couple fight for custody of their son, and the fact that they’re both cops is pretty darn helpful.
Lifetime annoys a lot of people by airing a TV pilot disguised as a movie and leaving many unanswered questions.
MEN ARE EVIL
This is Lifetime’s slogan. Oh, and don’t worry about a backstory or past trauma. These aren’t women we’re talking about, silly.
A woman and her daughter fake their own deaths to escape abuse, the abusive husband seeks revenge, and I couldn’t keep track of anyone’s name.
A mother and daughter ride in a creepy van to the middle of nowhere and take forever to realize they’ve walked into a murder spa.
In the Dark
A blind woman opens her closet and a man is creeping behind the clothes spying on her, enough said.
A Nanny’s Revenge
A young woman’s parents are indirectly killed by a greedy businessman, so she shockingly becomes his child’s nanny to shockingly seek revenge.
A woman marries a man who it turns out isn’t who she thought he was and hey guys, this was my first review.
Sins of the Preacher
There’s an evil preacher somewhere in here, but mostly it’s just about a suspicious mother-in-law.
The Preacher’s Mistress
Lifetime continues its vendetta against preachers, this time BFF betrayal thrown in.
The Husband She Met Online
A lady is kidnapped by her fiance, reminding us all that spinsterhood is really awesome.
The Good Mistress
It’s not just the men in this movie that are evil, but most of the movie is spent thinking that, so this category seems appropriate.
One more movie about a blind lady being attacked and we’ll need to create a whole new category.
A pop singer is kidnapped by a crazed fan who refuses to put a shirt on.
A Daughter’s Nightmare
Lifetime heroines are really bad judges of character.
WHOA THERE, CRAZY EYES
For a network catering to women, Lifetime sure does like to make them crazy. But these women all had something bad happen to them at some point. Trust me, they did.
The Nightmare Nanny
A couple fails to do a background check, ends up with a nanny who wants to steal their daughter.
The Good Mother
A teenage girl goes to live with her friend’s family, realizes the mother is evil before any of the other dumbasses.
A mother doesn’t trust her daughter’s step-mom, many restraining orders follow.
A Sister’s Revenge
A man fails to do a background check, ends up with a cheekbony waitress who wants to blackmail him.
A Mother’s Rage
Aunt Becky looks for her daughter, gives me whiplash with all the plot twists.
A sexy robot seduces her student and puts his girlfriend (who’s probably 17) through hell.
A couple fails to do a background check and allows a non-blinking psychopath to carry their child.
A Mother’s Nightmare
A teenage boy falls in love with a girl who enjoys creepy lullabies, and his mother isn’t so into that.
A man breaks up with his jealous online mistress, who happens to work for his dentist, who probably failed to do a background check.
A Sister’s Nightmare
Lily and Rufus Humphrey reunite in this tale of sisterly paranoia.
The Girl He Met Online
A man starts dating a girl he met online, which he really should not have done.
Lizzie Borden Took An Ax
It turns out that historical crazy eyes are even more fun than modern ones.
Age is just a number, therefore even grandmas can have crazy eyes.
The Good Sister
Obvious twist is obvious, yet I somehow don’t see it coming.
Believe it or not, this movie is about a girl who’s killing her daddy.
THIS IS A PERSON’S LIFE STORY IN TWO HOURS
Get ready to check off all the life events on your biopic bingo card.
Lifetime teaches us about Anna Nicole Smith through a cheesy voiceover and frighteningly convincing prosthetic boobs.
Ring of Fire
Jewel does her best Target Lady impression in the bizarro-world version of Walk the Line.
Betty & Coretta
Mary J. Blige tries to use her Grammys as justification for being in a movie, and it doesn’t work out so well for her.
Liz & Dick
Lindsay Lohan singlehandedly convinces me that I could probably play Elizabeth Taylor if I had the right nonexistent aging makeup.
House of Versace
Lifetime totally steps up their game with a biopic of Donatella Versace, momentarily breaks my snark.
The Gabby Douglas Story
If a movie were to receive an award for Most Unnecessary Biopic, it would be this one, hands down.
The Brittany Murphy Story
Lifetime stages Brittany Murphy’s life story using very, very bad wigs.
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
This is a true story, you guys. You can tell from the colon and/or person’s name in the title.
Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret
A woman goes on trial for killing her boyfriend, and the title of the movie is mentioned at least three times.
Romeo Killer: The Chris Porco Story
Lifetime manages to make a movie about a convicted ax murderer boring.
Prosecuting Casey Anthony
We learn that the lawyers in the Casey Anthony trial ate a lot of meals at restaurants, and that’s about it.
She Made Them Do It
Jenna Dewan-Tatum plays a woman who escapes from prison and looks damn good doing it.
Abducted: The Carlina White Story
A young woman realizes she was stolen from the hospital by the woman she thinks is her mother, and hey guys, Sherri Shepherd is in this.
Happy Face Killer
David Arquette clearly googled “how to be evil” to prepare for his role as a serial killer.
Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs
Tony Goldwyn is very good at being a creeper in this movie.
The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom
Yeah, apparently this is a true story that nobody wanted to hear about.
The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story
This movie is so boring and drama-free it might as well have been authorized.
IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU (BUT HOPEFULLY IT WON’T)
This is a warning. Don’t be a Lifetime movie in the making.
An overprotective mother searches for her missing daughter, who has been defeated by wedge sandals.
Left To Die
A woman is wrongly imprisoned in Ecuador for years and I don’t think I’ll ever travel again.
The Wrong Woman
Winnie Cooper must prove she’s innocent of attempted murder after being arrested by Steve Urkel and defended in court by Jerry Gergich. Aaron Samuels is there too.
WOW, THIS IS KIND OF A LEGIT MOVIE
Like, is that a real actor who still does important movies? Could this win an Emmy? What channel am I on?
Call Me Crazy: A Five Film
Three Oscar winners are in this movie, but so is Chelsea Handler.
I’m sorry, I can’t explain this movie through my cry-hiccups.
The Trip to Bountiful
This is an emotional roller coaster disguised as a movie.
A Day Late and a Dollar ShortOkay, this one’s only a real movie if you squint really hard.
Return to Zero
Hey, Lifetime aired a movie that didn’t make me roll my eyes.
BEING A TEENAGER IS HARD
You thought pimples and school dances were hard? Try being pregnant/betrayed/haunted by your best friend’s ghost.
This is not a Jonas Brothers documentary, but it is about douchebags.
Stalked at 17
A girl gets stalked by the father of her baby, spends half a second wondering if bad yogurt makes you pregnant.
Last Hours in Suburbia
Lifetime is intentionally funny in a movie that should have been called Teen Ghost.
A Killer Among Us
A girl has sex with her boyfriend and her mother is murdered the next day and it might be a coincidence but I don’t think so.
Escape From Polygamy
A teenage couple tries to escape a polygamist compound, where the people look like extras in a Mumford & Sons video.
A teenage girl’s life is ruined by a hacker while her mom Daryl Hannah tries to move her face.
The Cheating Pact
Cheating on a standardized test turns deadly, because why not?
Missing at 17
A teenage girl runs away to hang out with her new boyfriend for a couple of days, and I guess we’re supposed to be worried.
Flowers in the Attic
That book you weren’t supposed to read as a kid gets adapted into a movie you still feel like you’re not supposed to watch as an adult.
Petals on the Wind
This one is even more WTF than the first one — yeah, apparently that was possible.
I think I’m supposed to sympathize with the teenager in this, but mostly I just want to slap her.
The only thing better/worse than a “Crazy Eyes” is a “Crazy Eyes in Training.”
Starving in Suburbia
Lifetime takes on eating disorders, and things get kind of intense.
You probably can already guess this is about a pregnancy, but the movie doesn’t bother with that until more than halfway through.
Guilty at 17
This movie is less about being guilty in the legal sense and more about being guilty in the “Oh man, I feel really bad that I did that” sense.
The Choking Game
Teenagers prove how good they are at doing dumb stuff by strangling each other for fun.
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
He would watch these Lifetime movies, that’s what he would do.
A stripper does a lot of soul-searching while I do a lot of eye-rolling.
Twist of Faith
Jesus is totally in this movie, you guys, as long as you believe.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A HUSBAND
“What is a Hanukkah?” – Lifetime
This is a Cheers reunion disguised as a Christmas movie.
All About Christmas Eve
Haylie Duff is apparently still a thing, and she’s starring in this movie.
A woman fantasizes about a mannequin, it comes to life as her boyfriend, and we shouldn’t be creeped out at all.
The March Sisters at Christmas
Lifetime takes a copy of Little Women and stomps all over it.
Finding Mrs. Claus
Mira Sorvino plays Mrs. Claus, doesn’t say she invented post-its once.
A lot of important issues are addressed but OH MY GOD THERE’S DANCING!
Holiday High School Reunion
Aaron Samuels is in this, and his hair still looks sexy pushed back.
The Christmas Consultant
David Hasselhoff demonstrates why the holidays are the most depressing time of year while wearing awful Christmas sweaters.
A Country Christmas Story
A couple of terrible parents begrudgingly cheer on their daughter in a country music competition.
The Twelve Trees of Christmas
Lifetime’s Christmas homage to every romantic comedy ever, with Mel B thrown in.
Kristin’s Christmas Past
A woman travels back in time to mentor her teenage self, realizes her teenage self was the absolute worst.
Dear Secret Santa
Lifetime rips off The Lake House and sets it at Christmastime.
Christmas In The City
A single mom has to save Christmas, even though it’s already been saved in every Christmas movie ever.
Christmas on the Bayou
A single mom goes home to Louisiana for Christmas, and zzzzzzz. Sorry, I fell asleep.
Clearly some of these movies fit into more than one category. For instance, men are usually evil and bitches usually get stuff done. But some movies just emphasize that more. Hopefully this directory was useful for you, and hopefully you’ll continue to read my reviews. And hopefully you’ll comment and tell me what your favorite Lifetime movie is. Pretty please?