• Sat, Aug 10 2013

5 Things From This Taylor Swift Questionnaire That Will Make You Think She’s 12 Years Old

Taylor Swift Music Video Shoot March 16 2013

I loathe women’s magazines.  I truly do.  So many of them are packaged and marketed in such a way that you’d think the target audience was “mentally unbalanced teenager with no interests other than pink, clothes, sex, and expensive face cream.”  The Taylor Swift questionnaire featured in Marie Claire this month just serves to remind me why I used to read my dad’s issues of Esquire on the toilet instead of thumbing through “period horror stories” in YM and Seventeen.

Not all ladies’ mags are awful, I recognize this.  But these stupid “what’s in your purse right now” questions make me gag.  It’s mindless, page-filler crap, and if I were the kind of person who truly wanted to know what tube of $48 lip gloss my favorite pop stars use then I would be the kind of person who deserved to be slapped regularly.  Making sure to keep us under the impression that the world of Taylor Swift is nothing but doilies, kittens, and everything you’d see on a Pinterest search for “adorbs,” here are five things Taylor Swift offered up about herself.

1.) She loves red and also herself.
On her vanity right now, T. Swift boasts: “red lipstick, red lip stains, face wash; moisturizer; cat treats; and my new fragrance, Taylor by Taylor Swift.”  But is it all positioned perfectly on top of a lace doily?  The world may never know.

2.) We should always picture her riding a banana-seat bicycle (preferably mint-green with basket) in a dress, red Keds, bow in-hair, complete with the perfect soundtrack.  (Okay, I’m being facetious. But barely.)
Her playlist?  ”Music from the ’40s, ’50s, and ’60s, like “Just One Look” by Doris Troy and “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys.”  Are you just totally gushing over this right now?  I am.

3.) Her Twitter feed is just as I imagined it would be, if I ever read Taylor Swift’s Twitter feed and stopped participating in real life.
“Updates on my cat and career; the occasional cryptic lyrical message; and random, lighthearted observations.”

4.) Some of her “fears” are similar to mine. When I was in fourth grade.
They include sea urchins (naturally), cynics (oops- better not read this post, Tay-Tay!), and getting arrested.  In that order.

5.) Biggest regrets?  But of course. Boys, boys, boys!
“Every one of my biggest regrets has produced a song I’m proud of.”

I know I might sound a little harsh, so I’m willing to note that she was asked vain, mundane, simpleton-like questions and probably answered them honestly from the deepest breadths of her T. Swift heart.  It just would have been much more interesting if she answered them like the 23-year-old woman she is, and not a 12-year-old who dots her i’s with hearts.

(Photo: WENN)

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  • Joe

    She is adorable. I love her quirky nature. Crushable menopausal bitter women can stay seething.

    • Cassandra Hough

      Ugh you’re right! My 28 year old reproductive system has such bitter cobwebs accumulating in it.

  • Katie

    I guess I’m just confused on how she was supposed to answer questions like these without seeming like a 12 yr old girl. Every time I read these questionnaires from Marie Claire, the celebrity in question sounds pretty stupid. What’s on your nightstand?

    Clove cigarettes, a half-empty bottle of Veuve Cliquot and a large black dildo.

  • Olivia Wilson

    I think that she thinks that the world will cave in on itself if she were to ever admit to liking anything that wasn’t made the year her grandparents graduated high school.

    • Cassandra Hough

      Your comment just made my day.

    • Olivia Wilson

      Oh, I’m glad!

  • MRS

    But what about her answer to the music question comes across as immature to you? That music is great for any age.

  • Shanaeds

    Hey! Sea urchins ARE scary. *snaps fingers and leaves the room

  • Valotte

    Instead of trying to sound smart & snarky, You sound like that ‘cool’/'smart’ girl in high school/college who think she’s better than anyone else instead, to be honest with you.

    • Cassandra Hough

      I get paid to, to be honest with you.

  • PC aMuck

    The writer seems to have forgotten that Taylor’s Swifts fans are 12 yr old girls.

    • ChiChi

      NO NO NO! My friends little sisters like REAL music. They told us that everyone at their school dislikes her.

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  • Sarah

    23 is really young. All these answers show is that she’s optimistic, young, smart and real. Not every 20-something is a snarky cynic.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Sadly, most of us are.