While you dreamed of sugarplum fairies and summer sunset photos on Instagram last night, Beyonce chopped off all her hair. Every strand that you loved and admired and envied is gone now. Just sealed up in a air-tight plastic bag, waiting to be mailed to The Smithsonian and displayed in a locked and guarded glass case. The only other things in that museum room are Justin Bieber’s original bangs and God. Who stands watch between the hours 6 P.M to 6 A.M. Except on federal holidays. On those days, and those days only, Dumbledore watches over our nation’s most prized goods.
We would be remiss in our reporting duties if we failed to mention that it’s almost one year to the day that Miley Cyrus cut off all her hair in a dramatic gesture that screamed, “you’ll never get rid of me America, for I have mastered the art of getting attention for doing absolutely nothing attention worthy.”
Even though we’ll never know the significance of Beyonce choosing to cut her hair so close to the date of Miley’s hairiversary, we know that it has significance. Significance so full of meaning and power and Illuminati secrets that we can’t even begin to fathom it. All we do know is that when she picked up those scissors last night, that when she made that decision to do it, she did it knowing that it would change the world. That the Earth would slowly stop spinning, that it would come to a slow and gentle halt. Enough to make us pay attention, but not enough to frighten us. And then when we were all looking up to the Heavens, wondering what in tarnation was going on, she and Jay-Z would descend from the skies and we would accept them as our leaders. Or at the very least, the lead performers at the 2013 VMAs. As long as the word “lead” is in there, they’re really not too picky.