Once in a great while, a film comes along that’s better than all the others. It’s well-written, well-directed, well-acted, and well- lots of other stuff that I’m less aware of because it happens more behind the scenes and I’ve always been superficial that way. After a great deal of money has been thrown at a combination of hard work, talent, and luck, the little movie baby hatches and pecks its way out of the egg, into the world, and straight into the hearts of Oscar voters.
It’s a magical combination that happens to some degree about…ten times a year, now that we’re nominating that many films for Academy Awards, but only once every twelve months do we choose one of those movies for the coveted title of Best Picture. People rack their brains all year trying to predict what will happen each February, with mentions of Oscar-buzz, Oscar-bait, and lists springing up right and left of likely contenders.
This…is not a list of likely contenders.
This is a list of the worst movies this year so far. This is a list of the movies that barely even have a recognizable nugget of a good idea buried inside their flashy packaging. This is a list of fundamentally flawed projects trying to cater to some nonexistent common denominator. This is a list of movies that give credence to the idea that the Imperius Curse is a real thing, because I can think of no other explanation for why entire tablefuls of people — writers, actors, backers, producers — would be like, “Yes, absolutely this is a good idea! I am prepared to throw my time/energy/reputation at it indiscriminately. Police officers who are dead? What fun! Let’s not ruin that brilliant idea with a silly old plot. All we need is some
good decent CGI, and multiple millions of dollars, and we’ve got ourselves a flop! Congratulations, gentlemen, another round of spun-gold martinis on me! They’re completely useless because you can’t drink them, but boy do they look fancy! Back pats all round!”
Obvious use of the Imperius Curse. You can’t eat gold, idiots. But anyway. Let’s get to this list. In no particular order, here are the 10 worst movies of 2013.
Speaking of police officers who are dead…POLICE OFFICERS WHO ARE DEAD. This movie isn’t even out yet, and I can already guarantee it will be the worst thing ever. Look at the name! What are we doing with our lives, guys? That should’ve been the first/last/anytime indicator that this was a terrible idea. Dead guys who roam the streets looking for other dead guys who are pretending to be alive/committing crimes? So basically a shot-for-shot remake of Men In Black plus America’s Sweetheart Ryan Reynolds and minus the good ideas or originality. Perfect.
2. After Earth
Whoever the most powerful person reading this right now is, with the most pop culture sway, please immediately get on your phone device and call someone who can get in touch with Overrated Celebrity Will Smith and tell him to stop inventing movies for Jaden to star in. There are plenty of other family activities to do with your son that don’t require me to sit in a darkened theater and hate myself or watch you tongue-kiss each other on a press junket. Pull it together and stop group-pouting at me from all the posters.
I feel kind of bad even putting this on the list, because it actually sounds really fun, and I have to give a movie props for that, even a crappy one. But it gets on here due to the presence of one Tara Reid and the fact that the premise is a tornado of sharks. A tornado. Made of sharks. The more I think about it, the more I think it’s genius, but that’s just that Unforgivable Curse taking hold. You get none of my money! I keep all of my brain cells.
4. White House Down
Not the sequel to Black Hawk Down that we were all promised. Contains one Channing Tatum and ten thousand very questionable decisions by the president of the United States. Such as swooping Air Force One down over the reflecting pool. And that’s just one.
5. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I didn’t even see it, I am just fully judging this book by its cover. Say the title out loud and then try to look me in the eye and tell me it doesn’t belong on this list. In the immortal words of GOB Bluth — “COME ON!”
6. Olympus Has Fallen
Oh y’know, just one of those things where the White House is casually invaded by terrorists and the extremely important and high-value targets inside (like the president) go pretty much the entire movie without receiving help from anyone outside. I’m all for suspension of disbelief, but when I see destruction of the Washington Monument, the White House, and someone being BEATEN WITH A BUST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN by Gerard Butler in the same film, I’ma need you to do a little better, Hollywood.
7. The Host
As if Twilight wasn’t bad enough, let’s continue to encourage Stephenie Meyer by making her next series into a movie as well. Let’s have it be aliens instead of vampires or werewolves, let’s take out all the sex, and let’s make sure to give Saoirse Ronan long scenes of arguing with herself. This will be awkward for no one, but especially not our paying audience, hurray!
8. Movie 43
Every so often you just need to put every celebrity in the same movie, but rarely does it come off as terribly as this one did. It was offensive, it had no plot, and it made Hugh Jackman walk around with a pair of testicles on his neck. For no reason. I have no idea how they got so many famous people to do so many ridiculously dumb things, but I would like to be as talented of a Jedi as they are.
9. Backdoor Teen Mom
Yes, I am aware that Farrah Abraham‘s sex tape is not a full-length movie, but it was scripted, she got paid for it, and I had to bleach my eyes and brain after watching even a short clip so IT COUNTS. If it doesn’t, the moment when I saw that girl from Teen Mom naked will have been for nothing, and I’m not prepared to live in a world where that is true.
10. Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor
I’m sorry, the moment you cast Kim Kardashian in a movie, you’ve earned a spot on this list. No further explanation required.
So that’s them. What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Any I missed. Leave your comments here. I’ll be in the shower washing all the inane plot devices out of my hair.