While going about his normal heroic duties, Nick Offerman stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live and saved hundreds of thousands of millions of high school students from having to do their summer reading. Which is something I think we can all agree ranks in between flossing every night and being thrown in The Chokey. Like really, why are we still pretending that kids need to know how to read? Scientists says books will be extinct by 2020 and multi-syllable words will be gone shortly after. Why it won’t be long before the phrase “is there a library in this town?” will become just as archaic as “is there a t.rex in this town?” Mark my words, your kids will never ever have to touch a book. Like purple ketchup and child labor, literacy will finally become a thing of the past.
But despite scientific evidence pointing us in that direction, English teachers across the country still have the audacity to assign summer reading. Which is why it’s so incredibly generous and brave of Nick Offerman to run through all the classic summer reading books and give a quality rundown of their plots. While some old-fashioned stodgy people may disagree with me, I think watching this 1 minute and 58 second video’s far more valuable than an entire year in an English classroom. Not only did we run through an incredible amount of classic literature in a very short time, but I now feel prepared to be extra pompous at the next dinner party where someone decides to mix their casual conversation with archaic literary allusions. And by dinner party, I obviously mean a conversation that I overhear on the subway platform between two people who are unaware of my existence.
“Of Mice and Men, try of rats and men, did you guys see that critter just crawl by!?”