• Wed, Aug 7 - 9:56 am ET

Now It’s Joe Jonas’s Turn To Show Us His Naked Upper Body

Joe Jonas Shirtless Selfie

Guys, don’t worry because there are more shirtless Jonas brothers selfies out there, the most recent one belonging to Joe Jonas.

Of course, this can’t help but seem competitive. A few weeks ago Nick Jonas posted a very artistic shirtless selfie. And if you had to say one thing about Nick’s selfie, he has muscles. He’s also a major cheese ball who showed a little too much of the hair down there for my taste and also his nipples look like wonky eyes looking in opposite directions, BUT the kid has muscles.

Joe on the other hand… Oof.

Sorry, Joe. I got a lot to say.

First of all, the dog. That dog looks crazy (sorry I’m not a pet gal) but more importantly it screams ”I’ve got something to hide.” If the selfie was good enough to stand on its own, you wouldn’t need all that (pardon the pun) pup and circumstance. It’s like when they put too many frills on an outfit on Project Runway because they aren’t confident in any of the choices.

Since that dog is taking up most of where your body should be, I can only assume that you’ve got something to hide. I don’t know what it is because I’m no psychic. My best guesses are a third nipple or really awkward chest hair patterns. All I know is that you decided you have okay-looking shoulders in that way that sometimes fat guys still have defined shoulders when they pick up a keg or something, so you showed those off. And you left the rest to imagination.

And secondly, that face.  Why are you yelling at me with your eyes?! Or are you trying to get me to see if you have any cliffhangers? Because I won’t do it. I really won’t. (You don’t, you’re good.) Or maybe that dude in the background keeps making menacing gestures at you and you’re like, “Someone call the cops!”

I can’t tell, Joe! I just know that it’s freaking me out!

Look, I’ll tell you what I imagine moms all over America have to say to their kids all the time. Life’s not a competition. So your brother is good at selfies. That’s fine. Maybe selfies aren’t your thing, but maybe you’re good at painting, or sharing with others.

And I, like the moms across America, would be lying to you to make you feel better. Your brother beat you here. Fair and square. Let him have this one. You still have the name where your first name is part of your last name, so focus on that, okay?

(Photo: Instagram)

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  • Jill O’Rourke

    I hope his chest hair looks like Steve Carell’s in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Man o’ lantern.