• Wed, Aug 7 - 9:24 am ET

Bey and Jay Z Give So Much In Employee Bonuses That Everyone Can Afford Their Own Surrogate Now

Beyonce and Jay Z at Presidential Inauguration

If you’re having money problems, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but being rich ain’t one. Okay. I shouldn’t rap. But if I did, that’s the song I’d write for Beyonce and Jay Z’s 80 employees who each received bonus checks of at least $45,000 this year. And it ain’t even Christmas.

Holy crap. That’s amazing. That’s like two years in college. Or a good chunk of a house. Or a smaller chunk of a Bugatti. Or a not-so-shabby showing at Jeopardy.

All in Bey and Jay spent almost $4 million in bonus checks. Which is like two Bugattis. And a freaking killing at Jeopardy.

So, I’ll admit it. I recently saw Beyonce in concert. Let’s not talk about what I had to do for those tickets, but I’ve been told I’ll walk again in 4-6 weeks and I’ll learn to “enjoy” the voices. But the POINT is, Beyonce asked us to clap for the crew and all the behind the scenes people that made the concert happen. And I clapped really hard because I thought that was really cool and also I will do whatever Beyonce tells me to do.

This just goes to show once again that Jay and Bey the greatest. Not that we didn’t already know that. They are role models as lovers, employers and oh yeah, all that music stuff they do.

So… here’s where it gets a little awkward. What do I have to do to get on the inside, Bey? You seem like such a gem, I certainly wouldn’t mind getting a closer look at those costumes you wear, and I can be put to work! Think of me as little orphan Annie once she has accepted that she wants to stay at Daddy Warbuck’s house.

My skills include obsessing over hang nails, keeping the Q-Tip jar full, making snacks out of unexpected fridge items, cleaning with Windex, folding the front part of my hair to simulate bangs but never cutting them, some dish cleaning work, keeping a tight ship on the DVR department… the list could and does go on. So where do you need me?

(Photo: Instagram)

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  • Olivia Wilson

    Your special skills section is quite long. I’m sure Beyonce is already reaching out to you as I type this.