Last night our favorite child-star-turned-rehab-connoisseur hosted Chelsea Lately. And like almost everything else she’s done since Mean Girls in 2004, it fell flat. Which we really should be used to by now. Every time she returns to the spotlight, we hope to see that same talented and charismatic Lindsay Lohan who pierced her own ears in that isolation cabin oh so many years ago. But instead we’re stuck with her channeling Tyra Banks’ doll-to-human character in Life Size.
“This is how a human behaves,” she seemed to be thinking every time she took a breath in between jokes last night. “This is a joke that a human would make after getting out of re-ha-bil-i-tat-ion. Humans sure do like jokes where celebrities poke fun at themselves for committing crimes. Hey, I wonder if humans would like a joke about rich, white celebrities getting away with breaking the law over and over again simply because they’re rich and white. Nah. I will save that one for the next time I do a Post-Rehab Tour de Comedy.”
Since the only interesting thing about Lindsay Lohan right now– well the only interesting thing besides the construction work she’s had done on her face — is her rehab experience, most of the jokes seemed to center around that.
But she did take time to talk about current hot topics, like Harry Styles‘ rumored bisexuality. I’m sorry, did I say take time? I meant sped read through the joke so fast that I started to suspect that she escaped from rehab and was worried that the staff could show up any moment to take her back.
Last but not least she interviewed Dylan Black from the hit show Orphan Black and acted a little too grateful that he brought up The Parent Trap. “Yes, yes I was in that movie. I forgot for 3 minutes that I once made something good, but yes Dylan, thank you for reminding me.” Then again if I were her, I’d make sure to bring everything back to that movie too. To the point that I might take up fencing and show up at interviews saying, “you want to know the real difference between us, I have class and you don’t.”