When Russell Brand dies, his gravestone will read, “yeah I’m the guy who married Katy Perry, but don’t judge me dude. I hated having sex with her. Like really hated it. Sometimes I would just think about it, years later, and vomit all over myself. Truth be told, that vomit on my shirt was more appealing than her.” Or at least that’s what I assume he’ll want remembered about him after hearing that he once again brought up how much he hated having sex with her at a recent comedy show.
“When you’re a monk, you’re not allowed to have sex with anyone,” Brand reportedly said.”When you’re married, it’s one person. That’s one more than a monk. It’s not that different. I’d be having sex thinking, ‘think of anyone, anyone else.’”
Let’s not even touch on the fact that a ton of people find Katy Perry to be extremely sexually attractive — and that denying that you agree with the masses makes little to no sense when you’re trying to collect street cred. Let’s instead discuss the fact that he’s incredibly determined to turn their marriage into something to be embarrassed about. That his billion dollar elephant wedding just happened on a whim and that he really had nothing to do with any of it. One day he was the sexually adventurous Russell Brand and the next he was the cuckolded husband trapped in a monastery tower. “Russell, Russell, let down your golden anal beads,” he imagined the princess would lovingly say to him as she sat below his window, wearing nothing but a edible thong, “I’ve come to rescue you. Ride away with me on my magical dildo and we’ll flee this tower of boring fornication!” And he would climb down on his anal beads and ride away into the sunset with her. His marriage to that stale piece of white bread who shot whipped cream out of boobs would be nothing but a bad dream he once had. From here on out he could have sex whenever and wherever and with whoever. But alas that was a fairy tale he dreamed up while having sex with his wife one night.
Pooooor Russell Brand, stuck having sexual relations with Katy Perry. At least he can laugh about at comedy clubs though, therapists say that’s the first step in the healing process. The second step is um, I don’t know, maybe moving on and talking about someone who you didn’t divorce two years ago.
(Photo: Will Alexander/WENN.com)