• Mon, Aug 5 - 2:05 pm ET

Russell Brand Says Sex With Katy Perry Was Like Being A Monk, Which Means Monks Are More Into Whipped Cream Than I Thought

Russell Brand White Jacket Black Pants

When Russell Brand dies, his gravestone will read, “yeah I’m the guy who married Katy Perry, but don’t judge me dude. I hated having sex with her. Like really hated it. Sometimes I would just think about it, years later, and vomit all over myself. Truth be told, that vomit on my shirt was more appealing than her.” Or at least that’s what I assume he’ll want remembered about him after hearing that he once again brought up how much he hated having sex with her at a recent comedy show.

“When you’re a monk, you’re not allowed to have sex with anyone,” Brand reportedly said.”When you’re married, it’s one person. That’s one more than a monk. It’s not that different. I’d be having sex thinking, ‘think of anyone, anyone else.’”

Let’s not even touch on the fact that a ton of people find Katy Perry to be extremely sexually attractive — and that denying that you agree with the masses makes little to no sense when you’re trying to collect street cred. Let’s instead discuss the fact that he’s incredibly determined to turn their marriage into something to be embarrassed about. That his billion dollar elephant wedding just happened on a whim and that he really had nothing to do with any of it. One day he was the sexually adventurous Russell Brand and the next he was the cuckolded husband trapped in a monastery tower. “Russell, Russell, let down your golden anal beads,” he imagined the princess would lovingly say to him as she sat below his window, wearing nothing but a edible thong, “I’ve come to rescue you. Ride away with me on my magical dildo and we’ll flee this tower of boring fornication!” And he would climb down on his anal beads and ride away into the sunset with her. His marriage to that stale piece of white bread who shot whipped cream out of boobs would be nothing but a bad dream he once had. From here on out he could have sex whenever and wherever and with whoever. But alas that was a fairy tale he dreamed up while having sex with his wife one night.

Pooooor Russell Brand, stuck having sexual relations with Katy Perry. At least he can laugh about at comedy clubs though, therapists say that’s the first step in the healing process. The second step is um, I don’t know, maybe moving on and talking about someone who you didn’t divorce two years ago.

(Photo: Will Alexander/WENN.com)

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  • anna

    the more he talks about katy perry the less i like him, my former crush is non-existent, and the more i like katy perry. he’s just digging himself a hole here.
    seriously, what did she do to deserve repeated public humiliation?

  • Olivia Wilson

    I’m embarrassed for him, at this point.

  • allisonmb

    I am laughing SO HARD that I have tears in my eyes from the description of him being saved from his tower. Brilliant. Please never stop writing.

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  • Caitlin

    That’s so messed up. No matter how much you hate your ex, there’s still a line you shouldn’t cross.

  • I Love Katy

    What did she do to him to make him become so mean to her and embarrass her so much!!! She almost committed suicide because of him and he isn’t making things any better for her, she actually did once love him and he’s acting like she’s just an animal he can push around and make fun of until she can’t take anymore.
    Plus you don’t see her saying anything about him!!!

  • Hello

    She’s better off with John Mayer

    • Peter

      I am sure he’s secretly a fag.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Not an acceptable word.

  • cal

    I agree, she’s a boring overrated stuckup bitch.