I hope you’re sitting down while you’re reading this, because it was an epiphany-inciting night on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. For all you haterz out there who are always claiming that this monotone family is just famous for being famous, you can all shut up now because I know that you’re just a big ole’ bunch of liar faces.
I know that because Kris Jenner told me so. And Mama Jenner would never lie about anything. Except for when she showed us a fake picture of the Mysterious North West to boost her talk show ratings. But hey, I’m sure that was a one time thing.
Anyway, on tonight’s episode Kris takes a drink from a bottle of wine and…wait for it…doesn’t let her lips touch the bottle. ”And people say we don’t have talent…” Kris boasts after finishing this astounding trick, laughing in the faces of all the haterz out there. So pipe down, haterz. It’s time to put that no-talent argument to rest.
You may be thinking, ‘But Anna, Kris may be capable of drinking a beverage without putting her mouth on its container, but what about all the other stuff the Kardashian Klan can’t do? Like show up to an 8 pm dinner before 8:30 pm? Or feel an ounce of remorse when Kendall Jenner starts hyperventilating because she’s so upset that the family has been ignoring her?’
But to those people I say, ‘I thought I told you to pipe down, haterz!’ They’re the Kardashians, not Beyonce, okay? We can’t expect them to be good at everything. And just in case the old drinking-wine-with-no-bottle-to-mouth-contract trick doesn’t convince you that this is a family of bonafide stars who totally deserve an 8-season reality show with spin-offs where they invade every city in the country, here are 5 other hidden talents that the Kardashians shared with us this week.
1. They’re Better Olympians Than Michael Phelps.
I get that the fam is on vacation and all, but dear God they’re doing a lot of boozin’ on this trip. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack, no matter the time, they’re poppin’ those bottles and letting the good times role. And during one of those occasions, Brody recalls the time when Mr. ’76 Bruce Jenner got a few beers in him and started arguing with Michael Phelps about who was the better Olympian. According To Brody Jenner, Bruce actually told Michael Phelps that his one gold medal in the decathlon is better than all 18 that the swimmer won in those silly water races. Now that, my friends, takes talent.
2. They Can Count
Kris Jenner proved to be more than a one-trick pony when she showed an infallible ability to keep track of time even when she was on vacation. Scott Disick had been away from the family in London for nearly seven days when Kris lamented to Kourtney, “it feels like it’s been a week since we’ve seen him.” Now, I don’t know about you, but when I’m on vacation, I can’t keep track of what month it is, let alone remember how many days it’s been since I’ve last seen the father of my grandchildren. But a few days of playtime in Greece doesn’t stop the counting skills of Kris Jenner.
3. They Can Pick Out Amazing Sunglasses
Okay, so there might be a bit of sarcasm in the rest of this post, but I’m actually going to speak frankly for the next couple of sentences. Kourtney Kardashian has an amazing sunglasses collection. And while I can’t wear anything except over-sized, slightly square-framed shades without looking like an alien freak, Kourtney looks good in every pair of sunglasses ever. And OMG how fabulous was this metallic cat-eye pair that she wore tonight?
Answer: Very, very fabulous.
4. They Give Grade-A Pep Talks
I’m not sure this one quite counts as a Kardashian talent since it’s all about Leah Jenner who, as far as I know, doesn’t have any Kardashian DNA, but whatever. Leah gave the most effective pep talk I have ever heard to our friend Scott Disick. Even though Scott spent only a few days with the family in Greece, that was way too much for him, so he hides in a little alcove thing at the family’s Grecian Villa. He’s already feeling anxious, Scott tells Leah, and he’d like to just chill in his little hole and have everyone leave him alone. Then Leah does the incredible: She manages to talk to Scott about how Kourtney is upset without Scott getting defensive or blowing up at her. She encourages him to get out of his hole and do something romantic to make up for the lost time. And miracle of miracles, Scott actually does it, and avoids a fight with Kourtney.
5. They Can Build Lots Of Tension For The Most Anticlimactic Fight Ever.
While Scott may have narrowly escaped an argument with Kourtney, Kris was not so lucky with Brody. Last week, we saw Brody confront Kris about the tension that’s been building between the two of them for several episodes now. We were left hanging last week with Brody telling Kris she was a terrible person who didn’t care about her step-children, setting the stage for a blowout. But instead of seeing a big fight this week, we instead saw Kris and Brody almost immediately kiss and make up. By the end of their “fight,” which I feel inclined to put in air quotes since it really was just a polite conversation, Brody is telling Kris that he genuinely enjoys her company and that the tension between them has been nothing more than a “little hiccup.” Um, then why have we been listening to you cry about a little hiccup for the last 3 weeks?
Next week, the family will be out of Greece and back home in California. My sources have no word yet on whether they’ll be as talented at home as they are abroad, so I’ll be watching next week to find out for myself.