The 5 Harshest Reviews For The Canyons, Also Known As That New Lindsay Lohan Movie

Lindsay-Lohan-The-Canyons-July-29-2013

You guys, the reviews for The Canyons are so bad, I wouldn’t be surprised if they drived Lindsay Lohan right back to rehab.  I know I’d be searching high and low for a cocktail to numb the sting a little if I were her.  Whew.

What I don’t understand is why everyone keeps having such high hopes for anything she’s worked on recently.  For the longest time, people have been clucking their tongues and talking about what a shame it is that such “talent” has gone to waste.  Has it, though?  Was it ever really there?  I can’t even remember at this point.  I mean, hats off to any 11-year-old who can master portraying a spunky pair twins (and one of them British at that), and she was definitely funny in Mean Girls, but other than that… what are we basing these hopes on?  Seriously. Maybe whatever “it” was that she had once is gone now.  It’s not like she had the career of someone like Daniel Day Lewis and then threw it away for glow sticks and cocaine.  She had a couple of pop culture hits, people.  So why does everyone still put so much pressure on her?  Did Liz and Dick teach us nothing?!  She could replace Tara Reid in Sharknado, maybe.

As predicted, the reviews for The Canyons (also staring James Deen aka Farrah Abraham’s favorite backdoor peen) were terrible.  Some of them were terribly funny, so I feel compelled to share them.  Here’s the thing, though: Lindsay Lohan makes it easy for us to be snarky.  If you really think about it, it’s kind of sad.  So let’s not dwell on that and let’s just enjoy the fact that Hollywood gives its youth 30495830945834095 chances to not become complete fodder (it’s working out really well for Lindsay, no?).

1.) “Who remembers her when she was still a performer, and not just a cautionary tale?”
-The Star-Ledger

2.) “Ms. Lohan, ornamented with a topknot and Cleopatra eyeliner, wavers in and out of…the movie, pulling you in with husky murmurings and pushing you away with darting glances that suggest a woman searching for the exit.”
-The New York Times 

3.) “Lindsay Lohan is now like U.S. golfer John Daly. She’s a curiosity who is watched primarily for the side entertainment she offers, not for her professional performance.”
- Fox News

4.) “The Canyons unfolds like Lifetime tried to make a Cinemax movie.”
-Salon

5.) “Deen is actually rather compelling in the role, stretching the character so it’s not quite so thin. He nearly meets Lohan at her level, as she delivers a performance that’s naked in every sense of the word, so pregnant with desperation and need that you have to wonder how much she’s truly acting.”
-People (I had to throw in one review that wasn’t so bad. So sue me.)

(Photo: WENN)

You can reach this post's author, Cassandra Hough, on twitter.
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