So while last week was all about epic fights, there was something in that water in Thailand for this episode of The Challenge: Rivals II, because the thirst was real. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the other meaning of this word, thirst = lust. So that you can keep track of who’s into whom, let’s break it down slowly for you.
Jordan and Jonna
The beginning of every epic romance begins with an equally epic line. Jordan’s attempt to pique Jonna’s interest: “I’m like The Great Gatsby.” Though Jonna may not be my favorite Rivals II cast member, I think she spoke for the entire audience when she eloquently responded, “What the fuck does that mean?” According to Jordan, it means mysterious, but I think the rest of us took as douche bag numero uno. But aside from that, Jonna thinks Jordan is, like, totally a good kisser, and totally hot, so they’re probably gonna last for a bit. Also, according to the tweets above, Jordan and Jonna are still on friendly terms. Now let’s spend an hour inferring whether him calling her “babe” in that tweet was platonic or not.
CT and his Harem
Okay, so I, along with most of the heterosexual female population, find CT to be very physically attractive. But after watching him go cray seasons on end, you’d think these girls would realize that he’s probably not the most dependable guy to crush on. Then again, these girls aren’t necessarily participating on the Challenge for their intelligence. Everyone, EVERYONE, knows about CT & Diem’s epic romance from nearly a decade ago, but in past seasons he’s had crazies battle over him (ahem, Mandi and Laurel), and this season is no different. First, Ana has sex with him approximately 5 minutes after meeting and now Nany’s claiming her right to flirt with him whenever she wants. Nany also hooked up with Marlon last week, so we know she’s not about to become a Stage 5 Clinger for CT. Diem, though she claims she doesn’t want to get back with CT, freaks out over this flirtation and apparently does a rap about it. This rap that was witnessed by one person, instigator Jemmye (more on her later), but causes such a stir that the rest of the house writes a fake version for her and posts it on the table. I have to admit, the fake one is pretty funny but Nany does NOT agree.
Jemmye, Knight, and Leroy (AND Theresa)
Here’ssssssssss Jemmye! If you didn’t see the title of last night’s episode it was “Mortuusequusphobia”, which is an abnormal fear of ketchup. Because the Challenge believes in recruiting a diverse array of cast members, they wanted to make it clear that they support members of varying conditions and therefore selected Jemmye in the hopes she’d embrace her fear. Not so much. Jemmye and Leroy are apparently crushing on each other, to which Wes says, “My inner dating site is triggering an algorithm saying you guys are compatibleeee!” Best line of the night. Wes would make a really good gay matchmaker. And all is well, until Jemmye gets drunk and is convinced Knight, her ex, is super obsessed with her and jealous that she’s hanging with Leroy. They get into it and Knight, who after somehow surviving a serious relationship with Jemmye, is privy to the knowledge of Jemmye’s limitations and throws ketchup at her back. Wasted Jemmye thinks an appropriate response is to throw a full trashcan at Knight. Leroy, who ironically enough was a trash man in real life, is put off by Jemmye’s retaliation (probably because it gives him PTSD of his trash days), and moves on to Theresa. Theresa plays it surprisingly cool when asked in interviews about Leroy, considering that on her first challenge, she created her own love triangle with Wes and Kenny, who were mortal enemies at the time.
No, they’re not hooking up. But I just need a segment on 1) how awkward they are together, and 2) how much everyone hates them. These two aren’t actually rivals; I think MTV just wanted a chance to bring back Cara Maria because they know how much everyone is annoyed and weirded out by her. Also, knowing they were going to be voted into the elimination round, Cooke went to every guy in the house asking to switch the votes, and still got a nearly unanimous vote. How much clearer could it be that no one wants you here? To top off the awkwardness, Cooke and Cara cheered after hearing the votes and jumped up gleefully. Paula is the most vocal in this dislike of Cara Maria. Early in the episode, Paula describes Cara as “the person that hears about the party but was never invited to the party, but shows up anyways.” Later, after host TJ Lavin surprises the cast saying there isn’t actually going to be an elimination, her reaction is, “I can’t get rid of Cara Maria. She’s like herpes.” Lovely imagery.