Guys. Rihanna has changed her hair again, and I’ve been training for this moment my whole life because I am going to FIGURE OUT WHAT THIS MEANS. I don’t know if I’ve ever shared with you guys before exactly what I went to school for, but I figure this is as good a time as any to reveal that I have a degree in Professional Snooping Of The Internet, which basically means I’m trained to be a celebrity detective. Like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective except the people I investigate aren’t as well trained. A cat you can train to pee in a litter box, but a Justin Bieber will never entirely rule out mop buckets.
Oh man. I lied back there. I actually have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Theatre Performance, which is exactly as useful as you’d imagine a degree in Professional Snooping Of Blah Dee Blah would be, and maybe even less. So let’s just call it a draw, shall we, and I’ll go on talking about myself as if I’m totally solid on my path in life, shall we? ANYWAY. One of my favorite fields of study within the overarching category of Internet Snoopery is Celebrity Hair Mysteries. No celebrity ever changes their hair without a good reason, and once I smell a clue, I attack it like a dog attacks a bone.
Enter Rihanna, my favorite client. She changes her hair more than any other sweet-talking gal in this rotten city, so when she walked into my office, I knew it was set to be a scorcher. She’s been cycling through looks faster than a lamb shakes its tail, and today was no different. Her newest do, changed from that salt-and-pepper look from a couple weeks ago, seems to be taking a page out of Little Orphan Annie’s book, if you know what I mean. It’s the kind of number you can tap-dance in, or rosie the rivet in, or play on an intramural softball team in, and I just can’t crack the code just yet. I’ll need a few thousand more Instagram photos and one more tattoo, both of which I RiRi will have cranked out in about…two and a half hours, according to my research.