• Wed, Jul 31 - 10:08 am ET

Simon Cowell Got A Married Lady Pregnant, Which Is Slightly Worse Than That V-Neck He Wears

Simon Cowell Chest Hair 2013

Even though I find the sight of Simon Cowell’s nipples playing peek-a-boo underneath his tight v-neck shirts to be an absolute turn-off, some ladies do not. Specifically a married lady named Lauren Silverman who’s being referred to by Us Weekly as a New York socialite. Which is a title that’s right in between unpaid-intern-with-dreams-of-making-it-in-the-big-old-city and the person at Forever 21 who tells you that you cannot take more than 7 items into the dressing room.

According to the OB-GYNs at UsLauren’s allegedly 10 weeks pregnant with Mr. Cowell’s baby. Which I’m sure thrills her husband, a (former?) friend of Simon Cowell.

“You’re telling me that’s Simon Cowell’s baby growing inside of you! Well luck by a lady tonight. I love that guy! Ever since I first saw him sitting at that American Idol judges table all those years ago, I knew he’s the one who I wanted to impregnate my wife. If it can’t be me, it might as well be my celebrifriend.”

Although Us makes sure to say that they’re only “technically” married, I still think that maybe Lauren should’ve gotten “technically” divorced before sleeping with Simon Cowell. While I lost hope in him having any morals when I saw him shamelessly hit on the much younger Demi Lovato during The X Factor, I still like to think that some people have them. But alas, this baby’s apparently coming and she’s apparently leaving her husband for him.

Hopefully Simon’s whole “you’re awful” judgement shtick’s really just for show and he can raise his child without turning its entire life into a neverending audition.

“Are those really your first steps baby, go back to crawling until you can take at least 10 steps without falling.”

“Nice drawing baby, maybe next time you should try COLORING INSIDE THE LINES!”

“Hey dumb baby, over here, unbutton your onesie down to your stupid belly button, ladies love that.”

Then again, the best celebrity tell-all books comes from the kids of the most horrible parents. And My Dad Slept With His Friend’s Wife and Made Me would probably be a nice little beach read in 2030.

(Photo: Palace Lee, PacificCoastNews.com)

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