I’ve been pretty clear on the fact that Harry Potter is still relevant in my adult life, so it will perhaps not surprise you that I’m up-to-date on when J.K. Rowling‘s birthday is. And since I’m bringing this up in the first couple sentences of our reading conversation, you could reasonably posit that it’s today…and guess what! You’d be right! Joanne Rowling (she chose the initials J.K. in hopes that it would make her work more appealing to a wider audience) turns forty-eight today, and young Harold Potter, with whom she shares a birthday, turns thirty-three, having been born on July 31st, 1980.
I think we can all agree that J.K. is awesome in a great many ways — she is, for example, the first person ever to become a billionaire from writing books — but there are some things that she didn’t quite throw herself at a hundred percent, no? I know it’s her birthday and everything, but someone needs to take this lady to task, and it might as well be today. I loved absolutely everything about these books — yes, even the Forest of Kent, you ingrates — but I can’t possibly be the only person who thinks she got so caught up in telling an elaborate, exhilarating story filled with intrigue and magic that she forgot to put in some of those old, tired, high school stereotypes, right??
Because that’s what I live for, y’know? Those cliched, hackneyed archetypes thrown into a familiar plot. Screw storytelling and character development, I want those old reliables clustered around their cafeteria tables, starting food fights and plotting elaborate, yearlong makeovers that mostly just involve a strikingly gorgeous nerd taking off her glasses and ditching all of her old friends. THAT IS WHAT I WANTED, J.K. ROWLING, not this fantastical world you wove. So since it’s your birthday, I’ve created a little present for myself, as is customary in the United States, in the form of all the characters you forgot to write. I’m gonna sit here and read it to myself, and, as it’s your birthday, you can bring me a slice of birthday cake whenever you’re ready. (Another U.S. custom. You understand.)
So here they are, folks — 10 Harry Potter Characters That J.K. Rowling Forgot To Write. You’re welcome.
- Marcias Trask — The Sassy Gay One.
I get that you ‘always felt’ Albus Dumbledore was gay and all, but you didn’t announce that until after the fact, so we missed out on all the wizarding robes fashion montages before the Yule Ball and Marcias’ hilarious mispronunciation of ‘basilisk’, two facts for which I may never forgive you.
- Carl Millbin – The One Who’s Not Actually A Wizard.
No matter how hard they try, there’s gotta be one Muggle once in a while who sneaks in because Hogwarts sounds much more fun than Eton or Cambridge or wherever little British boys are supposed to go. He sits in the back of all the classrooms and since he comes from money he can pay other students to do his work, and it’s not until they’re starting Year Four that anyone realizes his wand is from Universal Studios when he can’t do a simple Disarming Spell. I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE.
- Edrigorn Fillbert Pince — The One In A Wheelchair.
Are you gonna tell me that with all the Death Eaters, dragons, and Professor Lockharts running around, that not one single irreparably loses a limb? We can’t all afford golden hands like Peter Pettigrew when it all comes down to it, y’know? Some of us are simple Ministry of Magic employees and not on the Dark Lord’s payroll.
- Paisie Squire – The Hyper-Religious Popular Girl.
J.K., you ignoramus! You completely forgot to write in a dense, roving pack of popular girls who wear promise rings and dedicate their hearts and souls to the sweet wizard lord above! Just because they’re magical doesn’t mean that these ladies can’t shop at J.Crew and summer in Nice and save themselves for marriage! They’re all in Hufflepuff and they travel in a horde and they’re very intimidating, especially to a Ravenclaw like me. JUST FOR FUTURE REFERENCE.
- Drewport Barrymongrel – The One Who Graduated A Long Time Ago And Is Coming Back Disguised As A Student To Write An Expose On The School.
Without Drewport, who’s going to wait solemnly on the Quidditch pitch for Professor McGonnagall to come down and give him his first kiss in front of the whole cheering school? I mean don’t you have any awareness that this series could get turned into a rom-com?? Is Cho Chang supposed to hold this whole romance storyline together all on her lonesome?
- Violet Abacus – The Pregnant Girl.
What, they don’t have any wizarding equivalent of reality television? Nothing to get these teenagers interested in a little sexytimes down in the dungeons? Violet is from a very sheltered Muggle family in middle America, and she was never exposed to sex education there OR ANYWHERE, thanks to the irresponsibility of one Joanne Rowling. She had to miss every single one of her O.W.L.S., so I hope you’re happy.
- Waltholomew Tragnarock – The Hacker.
He’s part goblin with terrible skin and he tries to go by ‘Walt’, but everyone prefers his full name. He spends his days hunched over a spellbook, re-coding the spells so that when the other students try to perform them, usually just a bunch of birds fly out and start doing the macarena. Waltholomew thinks the macarena is hilarious. On second thought this character sounds exactly like Severus Snape, just with a better sense of humor and less of a likelihood of inventing Facebook.
- Hollyfern Spidge — The Hover Mom.
Suspicious of wizardry in every form, Hollyfern followed her daughter (name withheld) all the way to school, getting a cottage in Hogsmeade and spent her days attempting to Apparate onto the Hogwarts grounds to supervise her more closely. She was never entirely successful, and was asked to vacate the village when she caused the death of several owls after lashing them together and attempting to ride the resulting bird-raft into the castle.
- Yaze – The Druggie.
Never known by anything but his first name, Yaze spent his days smoking dried Devil’s Snare and rubbing powdered hellebore on his gums. I bet you thought the strongest thing around was firewhisky, but I think we can agree that no matter what high school you went to, wizarding or otherwise, there was always a pretty rampant trade of contraband. J.K. just doesn’t want you to know about it.
- Jeddrick Squaith – The Guy In The Mascot Costume.
What in the name of holy hell was the mascot of all of Hogwarts, and why did we never see it? It should have been roaming the school all during the Triwizard Tournament, doing one-armed push-ups and psyching the other schools out while Jedd sweated inside, quietly falling in love with the captain of the cheerleading squad.
And there you have it, guys. Was that so hard? Do you really mean to tell me that Joanne couldn’t have taken FIVE EXTRA MINUTES out of her life to write those super necessary characters into the books? I scoff. Happy birthday, lazybones, you’re welcome for these nuggets of literary genius.
(Image: Z. Tomaszewski / WENN.com / Tumblr)