• Wed, Jul 31 2013

10 Harry Potter Characters That J.K. Rowling Forgot To Write

J.K. Rowling attending Gorbachev Foundation Ball in London June 2007I’ve been pretty clear on the fact that Harry Potter is still relevant in my adult life, so it will perhaps not surprise you that I’m up-to-date on when J.K. Rowling‘s birthday is. And since I’m bringing this up in the first couple sentences of our reading conversation, you could reasonably posit that it’s today…and guess what! You’d be right! Joanne Rowling (she chose the initials J.K. in hopes that it would make her work more appealing to a wider audience) turns forty-eight today, and young Harold Potter, with whom she shares a birthday, turns thirty-three, having been born on July 31st, 1980.

I think we can all agree that J.K. is awesome in a great many ways — she is, for example, the first person ever to become a billionaire from writing books — but there are some things that she didn’t quite throw herself at a hundred percent, no? I know it’s her birthday and everything, but someone needs to take this lady to task, and it might as well be today. I loved absolutely everything about these books — yes, even the Forest of Kent, you ingrates — but I can’t possibly be the only person who thinks she got so caught up in telling an elaborate, exhilarating story filled with intrigue and magic that she forgot to put in some of those old, tired, high school stereotypes, right??

Because that’s what I live for, y’know? Those cliched, hackneyed archetypes thrown into a familiar plot. Screw storytelling and character development, I want those old reliables clustered around their cafeteria tables, starting food fights and plotting elaborate, yearlong makeovers that mostly just involve a strikingly gorgeous nerd taking off her glasses and ditching all of her old friends. THAT IS WHAT I WANTED, J.K. ROWLING, not this fantastical world you wove. So since it’s your birthday, I’ve created a little present for myself, as is customary in the United States, in the form of all the characters you forgot to write. I’m gonna sit here and read it to myself, and, as it’s your birthday, you can bring me a slice of birthday cake whenever you’re ready. (Another U.S. custom. You understand.)

Harry Potter GIF

So here they are, folks — 10 Harry Potter Characters That J.K. Rowling Forgot To Write. You’re welcome.

  1. Marcias TraskThe Sassy Gay One.
    I get that you ‘always felt’ Albus Dumbledore was gay and all, but you didn’t announce that until after the fact, so we missed out on all the wizarding robes fashion montages before the Yule Ball and Marcias’ hilarious mispronunciation of ‘basilisk’, two facts for which I may never forgive you.
  2. Carl Millbin The One Who’s Not Actually A Wizard.
    No matter how hard they try, there’s gotta be one Muggle once in a while who sneaks in because Hogwarts sounds much more fun than Eton or Cambridge or wherever little British boys are supposed to go. He sits in the back of all the classrooms and since he comes from money he can pay other students to do his work, and it’s not until they’re starting Year Four that anyone realizes his wand is from Universal Studios when he can’t do a simple Disarming Spell. I MEAN CAN YOU IMAGINE.
  3. Edrigorn Fillbert PinceThe One In A Wheelchair.
    Are you gonna tell me that with all the Death Eaters, dragons, and Professor Lockharts running around, that not one single irreparably loses a limb? We can’t all afford golden hands like Peter Pettigrew when it all comes down to it, y’know? Some of us are simple Ministry of Magic employees and not on the Dark Lord’s payroll.
  4. Paisie Squire The Hyper-Religious Popular Girl.
    J.K., you ignoramus! You completely forgot to write in a dense, roving pack of popular girls who wear promise rings and dedicate their hearts and souls to the sweet wizard lord above! Just because they’re magical doesn’t mean that these ladies can’t shop at J.Crew and summer in Nice and save themselves for marriage! They’re all in Hufflepuff and they travel in a horde and they’re very intimidating, especially to a Ravenclaw like me. JUST FOR FUTURE REFERENCE.
  5. Drewport Barrymongrel The One Who Graduated A Long Time Ago And Is Coming Back Disguised As A Student To Write An Expose On The School.
    Without Drewport, who’s going to wait solemnly on the Quidditch pitch for Professor McGonnagall to come down and give him his first kiss in front of the whole cheering school? I mean don’t you have any awareness that this series could get turned into a rom-com?? Is Cho Chang supposed to hold this whole romance storyline together all on her lonesome?
  6. Violet Abacus The Pregnant Girl.
    What, they don’t have any wizarding equivalent of reality television? Nothing to get these teenagers interested in a little sexytimes down in the dungeons? Violet is from a very sheltered Muggle family in middle America, and she was never exposed to sex education there OR ANYWHERE, thanks to the irresponsibility of one Joanne Rowling. She had to miss every single one of her O.W.L.S., so I hope you’re happy.
  7. Waltholomew Tragnarock The Hacker.
    He’s part goblin with terrible skin and he tries to go by ‘Walt’, but everyone prefers his full name. He spends his days hunched over a spellbook, re-coding the spells so that when the other students try to perform them, usually just a bunch of birds fly out and start doing the macarena. Waltholomew thinks the macarena is hilarious. On second thought this character sounds exactly like Severus Snape, just with a better sense of humor and less of a likelihood of inventing Facebook.
  8. Hollyfern SpidgeThe Hover Mom.
    Suspicious of wizardry in every form, Hollyfern followed her daughter (name withheld) all the way to school, getting a cottage in Hogsmeade and spent her days attempting to Apparate onto the Hogwarts grounds to supervise her more closely. She was never entirely successful, and was asked to vacate the village when she caused the death of several owls after lashing them together and attempting to ride the resulting bird-raft into the castle.
  9. Yaze – The Druggie.
    Never known by anything but his first name, Yaze spent his days smoking dried Devil’s Snare and rubbing powdered hellebore on his gums. I bet you thought the strongest thing around was firewhisky, but I think we can agree that no matter what high school you went to, wizarding or otherwise, there was always a pretty rampant trade of contraband. J.K. just doesn’t want you to know about it.
  10. Jeddrick Squaith The Guy In The Mascot Costume.
    What in the name of holy hell was the mascot of all of Hogwarts, and why did we never see it? It should have been roaming the school all during the Triwizard Tournament, doing one-armed push-ups and psyching the other schools out while Jedd sweated inside, quietly falling in love with the captain of the cheerleading squad.

And there you have it, guys. Was that so hard? Do you really mean to tell me that Joanne couldn’t have taken FIVE EXTRA MINUTES out of her life to write those super necessary characters into the books? I scoff. Happy birthday, lazybones, you’re welcome for these nuggets of literary genius.

(Image: Z. Tomaszewski / WENN.com / Tumblr)

Share This Post:
  • Olivia Wilson

    Something tells me that you went to a reaaallly interesting high school. It’s a vibe I’m getting.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It was Hogwarts. I was Carl Millbin.

    • Olivia Wilson

      I caught you, muggle-handed.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Curse you, Dementor!

  • Chelsea DeLoney

    Drewport Barrymongrel. Yep, you are really talented with names. I had a good 5 minute laugh over that.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Hahaha, thank you so much! I’m glad to hear it.

  • Stacey Judith

    Some of those names, lol.. Took a while for my sleepy head to figure out I’m reading them right!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Haha, glad you enjoyed!

  • Brooke

    I love this article so. Much. I’m sharing it. YOINK!!!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thank you!!

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  • kaitb1103

    I also, as an HP fan, hate this. Harold Potter? Pregnant girl?

    The reason WHY HP fans LOVE HP is BECAUSE it has none of these things! It’s not a stereotypical ridiculous novel like Twilight. It goes past all boundaries of ‘normalcy’ within the 21st century and creates a world like no other with almost nothing in common.

    So take your bloody list and shove it where the sun don’t shine; cause we don’t want it, or need it.

    Thanks :D

  • EnglishRose

    They all may be relevant in an American High School, but you wouldn’t find any of those characters in a British School. Hence they are not in the novel.

  • Lackadaisical

    Funny ideas but unfortunately a fair few of them don’t really apply to English schools. Despite leaving school a couple of years before the first book came out and the lack of magic on my own school’s curriculum Hogwarts was so much closer to my own school experience than any of schools in American fiction that use the character stereotypes you mention. Hogwarts is very much like an ordinary English school, not just the posh private boarding ones. I lived in Kent, one of the few places with exams at 10/11 years old and grammar schools if you pass so I even had the letter through the door to say I would go to a special (grammar) school instead of going to the same school as all of my friends, just like the owl letter that started the first HP book.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Disappointed to hear that the characters I made up could never exist at a fictional school of magic.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yes, giants are fine, goblins no problem, kids flyining on broomsticks are reasonable. Gangs of girls with promise rings and sports mascots … that’s just crazy. I really did find your article funny and enjoyable, I loved it, but that doesn’t mean I am ready for the only school in popular fiction that feels like a real school to us Brits to be Americanised. Yes, the only fillm that actually feels realistic and relatable to us involves magic wands and evil cults. The idea of Americanising it to fit in the usual stereotypes that don’t apply to us feels a bit like the big kid with most of the toys noticing the weedy, ugly kid in the corner has somehow managed to have a good toy in his own paltry collection and so taking it off of him. Our teeth are ugly and we have never seen weather that isn’t drizzle, leave us this one scrap of comfort.

  • FemelleChevalier

    I like this. But I’m bored and I can only read so much textbooks before my head starts to hurt, so want to counter your epic literary additions. Here ya go:

    On number 2: Harry’s aunt already tried. It was insinuated that she actually begged Dumbledore to attend Hogwarts. And no one can pass through Dumbledore without his knowledge (because he works part-time as Gandalf so “You shall not pass!”)

    On number 3: Aurors lose their limbs. Mad-Eye Moody lost his leg (and eye) but opt for the good ol’ pirate leg. Because pirates are badass and invokes instinctual fear of the plank.

    On number 5: That is Rita Skeeter. Well, yeah she didn’t disguised herself as a student, but she did wrote an awful lot of exposés. Huh, come think of it, Tonks ability plus Rita’s nosiness equals your character…

    On number 8: That’s Mrs. Weasly on cocaine.

    For the rest… I got nothing.

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