And by vacation, I of course mean combined therapy retreat. Because whyÂ just take a Real Housewives Of New Jersey vacation when you could also get to the root of the “I hate you, but you’re family” problem? Here are some key steps to ensure that you too can have the best and most all-inclusive (and insane) family vacation a la Gorga/Giudice. Yup, there will be name-calling, awkward bathroom scenes, uninvited guests who show up anyway and men under 5’8 charging at each other. There will also definitely be boozing, fine scenery and family activities. But mostly, there will be therapy sessions and denial and anguish and fur coats. What? You mean this isn’t how your family vacations? You’ve got a lot of work to do in order to compete with the Gorga/Giudice traditions. Here are some pointers to making your vacation just as RHONJÂ fabulicious:
- Prepare The Guest List.Â Now, this is important. Make sure you invite some, half-invite others and definitely call your cousin and have your ex-friend overhear you uninvite her — and then, this is important, proceed to yell at each other. The Giudice/Gorga clan all got on board while Caroline Manzo politely refused her invite. And Jacqueline Laurita was sorta considering her quasi-invite until she heard Teresa talking crap about her. Well, good. Now we’ve gotten that all sorted out, let’s head to this ridiculous chateau on the lake, in the middle of winter. Family therapy waits for no season.
- Hire Qualified Therapists.Â Steve and Stephanie, theÂ licensed therapist couple(?), show up to helpÂ ourÂ distressed families come together via group games and icebreakers. But, when thingsÂ start to go sour, aka Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum and then Teresa tells Joe Giudice and then Joe Giudice yells at Joe Gorga who then charges Joe Giudice and they brawl (got all that?)…Steve and Stephanie are all…yah, I’m out. In steps Dr. Venus Nicolino (Dr. V), whose skirt is as short as her patience for family drama. She’s a tough cookie who curses and calls people names…just what the Gorgas and Giudices need to respond positively to therapy.
- Plan Post-FightÂ Calming Activities.Â If you’re a Giudice, the clear choice is to get naked, get in the small tub together and then definitely get invite a staff member to come in and pour champagne for you while Teresa’s fun bags are floating to the surface — almost revealing themselves in their entirety. Yah, that’s not awkward for anyone. Then you gotta talk about how fighting makes you all sexy and horny for each other. Gross. I just vomited in my mouth.
- Entertain Yourself When Not In With The Therapist .Â One by one, the members get called up to speak with Dr. V. So you’ll need something to do when everyone else is seeing her. You can go outside and sled on the snow, without a sled. You can make snowmen. Or you can start drinking andÂ gorging on delicious treats in orderÂ to deal with the uneasiness of the whole vacation. But most importantly, make sure that after you’ve brought everyone up to resolve family issues, you leave out your cousin Kathy Wakile…cause, yah know, she doesn’t really count and is just here for the winter wonderland.
- Remember Your Therapy Etiquette.Â You know, like, not remembering every single thing you’ve done or said to hurt your brother and his wife, or denying everything, or not putting any blame on yourself, or contradicting everything you’ve ever said in the past year or not making sense at all about what it is that you want from all of this therapy. Oh yah, and throw in that ugly cry and a bit of fake hugging. Along with that and acting like no one hates each other anymore or has for the last several years, you’ve got yourself a full-on therapy session full of love and making up.Â Melissa Gorga, though…she’s not so convinced. Melissa is all about calling Teresa her sister-in-law whenever she’s referring to her…especially in front of Dr. V.
- Go Ice Fishing With Rosie Pierri.Â No really. Do this. All jokes aside, this will be the best thing you do all vacation. Even though The Joes are in the background squawking at each other and calling each other names (and their penii names), Rosie is chilling on the lake and enjoying the art of ice fishing. It gets yah outta the house and away from the crazy women. It definitely gets you the opportunity to experience the fine scenery. And did I mention it gets you away from the women? And, the commonality of conversation seems to always come back to Dr. V’s hotness. Everyone wins.
- Get To The Kitchen And Get To Cookin’.Â A fine family fun activity that also relieves stress is cooking with the gals. If you’re into that sorta thing. If you’re not…you’re Melissa Gorga who just wants to slam vodka and make everyone else, too. My kinda lady. I also enjoy cooking and drinking so I liked watching this little segment go down. Mmm now I’m hungry. Ah wait, stay on track! So anyway, the girls are in the kitchen getting down with their Italian cooking selves while Melissa’s mission is clearly to get wasted and forget about the shenanigans that is this family vacation. You just made up with everyone, girlfriend. Be prepared for a lot more of this interaction for years to come.
- After Dinner, Retire To TheÂ ParlourÂ For Games.Â Some may have eaten their dinner and some may have chugged vodka. Either way, everyone’s happy and ready for some parlour games. To prepare for their trust activities, the whole gang wants to try out the trust fall…otherwise known as “stand aroundÂ drunkenly cacklingÂ and then fall into me and I promise I’ll catch you.” It goes pretty well. Melissa is a pretty hilarious and obnoxious drunk lady when Joe Giudice falls into her. Especially she’s she’s wearing 5-inch stilettos. When Teresa wants in on the action, we have our perfect segway into the next episode and the end of the RHONJ season. Caroline will play trust fall with Teresa if Teresa will play trust fall with Jacqueline…someday. Oh yah, by the way, Jacqueline was in this episode too but booooooooring. Anyway, Teresa agrees but who’s counting? We shall see what the future brings.
The end of this episode actually had a sentimental ring to it. Joe Giudice…wait for it…waaaait for it…actually showed a human compassionate side of himself. And, even better, tells Teresa to shut her trap and to make up with the Lauritas. Seems that Joe Giudice misses Chris Laurita and now that everyone is making up in therapy, it all seems so Teresa silly. Â Teresa doth protest, but Joe seems to get through to her, making me wonder if he really has a lot to do with all of this in the first place. Oh, Bravo. You are my wonder drug.