Looks like the people behind the incredibly popular Breaking Amish series got a lot smarter this time around. Rather than cast real Amish-turned-English people in their show, they might’ve have gone all out and cast English-never-was-anything-but-English in Breaking Amish: Los Angeles. Then they went a step further and scrubbed their social media accounts so you can’t find out who they are and where they’ve come from or why they’ve gotten arrested. While this complete lack of background information makes the show seem a lot more legit than the first season, it also makes it a lot less fun. There was something so incredibly gratifying in playing detective and finding that photo of Rebecca and Abe holding a baby that’s dated years before they supposedly met for the first time on the show.
Before you’re like, “maybe the complete lack of information on them proves that they’re actually Amish and not paid actors,” let’s talk about last night’s episode and let’s talk about it in list form. Because it felt more scripted than anything than I’ve ever head come out of Kris Jenner’s mouth. And her mouth just regurgitates scripts. All the live long day. If you ever see her chewing something on the show, it’s not food. It’s dialogue. She’s just gnashing it into her brain so it sounds almost natural coming out of her mouth.
So with no further ado, let me present the six reasons that make me pretty convinced that these Amish adults are actually actors who know their way around around a reality show. And no, these are not direct quotes.
1. Iva, Lizzie and Matt run into each other at the airport and act way too surprised to see each other.
“OMG Lizzie, what are you doing here in the airport? Going to LA? NO WAY! Me too! This is like crazy. Because when I spotted another Amish person dressed in traditional Amish clothes in the airport, I assumed she got lost on the way to church. But like, no, you’re coming with? That’s so cool. And also weird! Despite living in a small and tightly-knit community, we never figured out that we’d be starring on the same reality show!”
2. Betsy and Devon get to the LA pad and pretend that they’ve never seen electronics before.
“Will you look at these modern contraptions Devon? Also camera man who’s been following us for a long time with a modern contraption called a cam-er-a, look too! Lights! Things turn on! Gee wilikers, this is totally zany. Especially since Rumspringa is a thing that exists in our community and it’s pretty unlikely that I’ve never seen these things before.”
3. Lizzie and Iva concern-troll Betsy within minutes of meeting her.
“Look I love Betsy already, in a friend way of course, but I’m totes worried about her. She looks unwell. Is anyone else worried? You? Great. That means that we’re already setting up a nice little two-versus-one situation in the house among the ladies. Which is an odd thing for me to set up so quickly considering that I’ve never seen a reality show before. But oh well, here goes drama!”
4. Iva speaks in incredibly informative complete sentences during her talking head about seeing a grown man in a speedo.
“We saw a grown man wearing a very tiny outfit today. This made me uncomfortable because I am Amish. Amish people wear many clothes. This man did not wear many clothes. That is why I felt uncomfortable. I am out of place in LA. Will I ever be in place in LA? Watch this season to find out.”
5. No one notices that Lizzie is seven months pregnant.
“This girl Lizzie here is refusing drinks as well as rides on roller coasters. Those are two common things people avoid when they’re pregnant. I wonder why she’s avoiding these things? Ahhh, it’s a mystery that we shall never figure out.”
6. Matthew makes a ten commandments list for the house that completely contradicts his reason for being there.
“I came on this reality show that’s completely against my beliefs and will hypothetically get me in trouble with my family and community for the sole reason of imposing my beliefs on you. This makes very much sense. You are welcome.”
(Photo: Allie is Wired)