Professional douchebag Shia LaBeouf is starring in a new movie by Lars von Trier called Nymphomaniac. You might remember it as the movie that got everyone into a tizzy because Shia implied he would be having real sex onscreen but then didn’t. Everyone’s buzzing about how sexually charged this movie will be, but of course von Trier is keeping most of the sexytimes under wraps, releasing posters riddled with sexual innuendo but no real sex and only mildly explicit images (like this NSFW one with Shia). The clips have also been sexless, only hinting at the promise of boning through stolen glances and artsy camerawork. This new one featuring Shia is no exception. He doesn’t have sex in it, but he does do a terrible British accent. The clip is from Chapter 2 of the movie, titled “Jerôme,” in which Stacy Martin plays a convincing younger version of Charlotte Gainsbourg’s sex addict Joe.
The caption to go along with this clip is as follows:
“Love is just lust with jealousy added”
Though love is a shallow feeling in the eyes of the cynical nymphomaniac, young Joe is met by forces penetrating her armoured defences.
His name is Jerôme.
Oh dear. It feels like I just ate a philosophy paper for lunch and then had a poetry exam as dessert. I’m feeling a little bloated. I think I need to watch Shia LaBeouf do a terrible British accent to feel better. Shia plays the titular Jerôme, and lo and behold, he’s British! I’ll spare you my thoughts on how many people are cast to do accents they do not naturally possess in movies these days and just talk about how ridiculous Shia sounds. He acts like a condescending douche to one of his office employees, repeating “Good job, Liz!” over and over. In his accent, it’s more like, “Goooood jawwwb Lisss.” Nothing about is believable, not only because I know it’s American Shia LaBeouf but also because it sounds like he’s at a party asking the host to refill his glass and shouting “Please, sir, I want some ‘ore!”
The clip ends with Jerôme, Joe, and Jerôme’s accent mark stuck in an elevator. Will they have elevator sex or just sit around arguing about who Carrie Bradshaw was better with — Aidan or Big? I guess we’ll have to see it in theaters on … well, we don’t know the U.S. release date yet, but if you’re in Denmark or France you’ll get to see it on Christmas Day. Lucky you.