So word on the street is that Jay-Z and Beyonce are totally dating. Like dating-dating. Like they might have even had sex one time and made a baby and given her a totally normal run of the mill name. But we can’t confirm that. At least not until Monday when our sexpert gets back from vacation and can analyze a few body language photos of Beyonce holding a child.
Until then, we can just confirm that Jay-Z did surprise Beyonce on stage recently during her neverending Mrs. Carter tour and give her a big old kiss. She’s all like “aahhh, who is that, oh I know you, I knoooow youuuuu!” But then while we all oooed and awwed and clapped for their impressive display of spontaneous PDA, she turned to Jay-Z and told him through gritted teeth, “get off my stage. I’m gonna give ya ’til the count of 3 to get your lousy, lyin’, low-down 4-flushin’ carcass out my door!” And then he got off the stage lickety split and she turned and faced the crowd and gave an award-winning “I love my life” smile. I think. It’s hard to tell because the person who’s filming this kiss goes insane when their lips touch. And as a result, the camera has a seizure. So we’ll just have to assume that it went down in the way I recounted.
Also a note to people filming important happenings: keep a steady hand please. It’s for the sake of history as well as for the sake of bloggers. Now is not the time to turn the camera on yourself. Your reaction means nothing to the future aliens who will find this and learn everything about humanity from this. They too just want to see some quality stage PDA. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.