Guys, stop! Freeze! Hold everything! Unless it’s a macaron, in which case you can eat it before I finish my sentence, because those are delicious. But anyway. The reason that I wanted your attention is because the royal baby’s name was announced! And it’s…
George Alexander Louis.
Now I know what you’re thinking — how could this child have a name already? We were already gobsmacked by how quickly Prince William and Kate Middleton showed the world its face, without any haggling with celebrity magazines or toying with the world via Twitter. What are they, celebrity amateurs? Have they never even spoken to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Everyone knows that if there’s one thing babies are best for, it’s exploitation.
But seriously, these two really know how to put their money where their mouth is, guys. Much like every celebrity ever, they said they wanted privacy after their baby was born — and they’re doing everything in their power to make that happen. They know the world is going to want to know everything about this kid, so they try to anticipate that and provide information as soon as it becomes available. They released the gender almost immediately, gave the media a look at his face less than twenty-four hours after he was born, and have now released the name less than twenty-four hours after that. It probably would’ve been even earlier, but they said they wanted to give themselves a chance to get to know him first.
In case there was any question — this is how you keep the media off your back. You control the flow of information; no suspense, no intrigue, no drama, no delay. That’s how you stay out of the public eye, even when you’re a member of the royal family. Refusing to release your child’s name or image to protect its privacy is one thing, but prolonging the process to get yourself more publicity or get better ratings for your TV show is another. It makes parents like Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell look pretty good for keeping their daughter Lincoln out of the spotlight until she decides if that’s what she wants, and it makes this endless haggling over ‘the debut’ of North West look pretty embarrassing. Don’t you think, Kris Jenner?